Wednesday, April 30, 2008

Killing Time: My 11 Favorite Villains Ever

I was bored this morning, so I happened upon a Top Ten List of the Greatest Villains ever. And as usual, I disagreed with each and every selection. So, in order to kill some time today, let me present you with 10 villains who I would put in a list. I'm not going to bother to rank them either. Because my name is not David Letterman:

Emperor Palpatine, "Star Wars"- Why would ANYONE pick Darth Vader over the Emperor? Not only is Palpatine Vader's boss, but he is the one who turns Anakin to the Dark Side to begin with. The Emperor is a total badass, from his utterly amoral attitude to way he commands an intergalactic empire of evil people and crazy technology like the Death Star and his armada of Star Destroyers. He has the power of the Dark Side, he's handy with a light saber (he fights Yoda to a draw) and he fries people with lightening that comes out of his hands. And he talks the way I think Satan would talk. How do you top this guy?

The Daleks, "Doctor Who"- Forgetting the fact that the Daleks are still a menace 45 years after their creation, they've arguably killed more sentient life than even the Emperor. They are responsible for the destruction of the Time Lords and even after the Doctor has defeated them about 8,000,000,000,000 times, they keep coming back. They're nearly invincible (and they can go up stairs!) in the new series of "Doctor Who" and given the fact that they are heavily armed mutants with every emotion removed except hate, that's not a good thing.

Angelus, "Buffy the Vampire Slayer"- You know what sucks? When you take the romantic lead of a TV series, remove his soul and allow him to go on a rampage of death, torture, violence and vampire making. It sucked for Buffy (and Willow's pet fish): not so much for the rest of us. I just love how evil this guy was - when he wasn't torturing Buffy and her friends, he was cheating with Spike's girlfriend. You know you're evil when you screw with the other villains for fun.

Michael Corleone, the Godfather Trilogy- Cripes, what a jerk. In the beginning you think Michael is a far better leader of "the family" than his hot headed brother Sonny and Fredo, the village idiot. Then he arranges to kill the leaders of the other Five Families during his godson's baptism, kills his brother in-law, lies to his wife and takes out his own brother. The fact that he's a good guy just makes him look worse.

General Zod, "Superman 2"- Is there any villain who was more fun to imitate? "Kneel before Zod! Zod!" Imagine someone with Superman's powers but no sense of responsibility. If I was ranking him, he'd be dropped down a few spots for being flung down a crevasse. But how can you not love someone who responds to praise about being lord of all he surveys by saying: "So I was yesterday. And the day before."

Pazuzu, "the Exorcist"- I could just write down the fact that we're dealing with Satan here and that would be enough. But keeping in mind that the demon in question spends the entire movie torturing a young girl just makes it MUCH worse.

Sauron, "Lord of the Rings"- And this is where I'm going to get in trouble with the Tolkien crowd. Technically, Sauron is the flunky of Morgoth who is the Middle Earth version of Satan. But I never read any book involving Morgoth so forget about it. Sauron rules over an evil land and has a dizzying horde of monsters at his disposal. You have to admit though, putting all of your power into a bloody ring and letting so disheveled lunatic hang onto it for several centuries isn't a very good plan. But he's still a nasty costumer and he's invincible up until the point Gollum falls in that volcano.

Lord Voldemort, "Harry Potter"- You'd think Tom Riddle would have learned from Sauron's boneheaded move, but no - he splintered his soul into all those horacruxes anyways. Voldemort is pretty much the wizard version of Hitler with his pureblood/mudblood eugenics and his policy of exterminating everyone who opposes him. Still, the horacrux idea was dumb in retrospect and his archenemy is a kid with a scar on his forehead.

Khan, "Star Trek: the Wrath of Khan"- "KKHHHHAAANNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!!!!" He quotes Melville, controls people by sticking worms in their ears and steals a universal armageddon device. Oh yes, there's also "KKKKKKKKKKKHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNNNNN!!!!"

Ernst Blofeld, many James Bond movies- I'm not sure what SPECTRE was trying to do (I think they were trying to bait the USSR and NATO into nuclear war or something) but Blofeld was definitely cool. Not only did he keep coming back, but he had a great array of flunkies at his disposal and a rather effective way of disciplining them. His arch nemesis was Sean Connery as 007. How can he not be on this list? Girls dig the scar.

Iago, "Othello"- It was three way tie between Iago, Chillingsworth from "The Scarlet Letter" and the walking mess that is Ahab from "Moby Dick". The reason why Iago is here is because he succeeds. At the end of the play, Othello and Desdemona are dead and chaos has basically been achieved. Even if he gets carted off to possible torture and death, the bastard WINS.

Tuesday, April 29, 2008

Random rants:

- Man, one week without a blog entry? Maybe Charlie should smash my computer again!

-Once again, for the 36th offseason in row, the Bruins need a sniper. The absolute inability of anyone to score a goal in the horrible Game Seven proves this. Let's see if the front office can actually rectify this situation. Probably not.

-The NBA is the worst officiated of all the major sports. Not that the Celtic's can blame the officials for their 2 game descent into the Hell of last season, but the officials in this league are really bad before and during this series and they will be afterwards.

-This honestly might be the worst one week stretch in the history of Boston sports: the Bruins get drubbed in game seven, the Celtics suddenly lose the plot in Atlanta and the Red Sox. God, don't get me started on them. Can anyone on this team hit this week?

-I clicked on ESPN Page 2 this afternoon, and wouldn't you know it? There was another insanely long TMQ article. How does he do this? Does he get Stephen King to ghost write these columns?

-Meanwhile, across the Atlantic, Celtic FC has suddenly opened up a 5 point lead on Rangers. I have NO idea how this happened, as the Hoops couldn't score so much as a goal on the Evil One's all season, but the past two games have given us a flick of hope. Sadly, Celtic has played THREE MORE GAMES than you know who. Sigh.

Someone Smash this Man's Keyboard Part III: the Search for Spock

Having already sent Charlie Chaplin - who did such a great job of destroying my computer - after Fox News commentator Bill O'Reilly and repetitive local personality Howie Carr, I'm going to shift gears and send my cat after someone from the monolithic presence that is ESPN.
As I'm sure most people reading this blog would agree with, ESPN's Page 2 is an endless source of bad humor, 80's movie references and idiotic opinions. Basically, it was ESPN's version of the monstrosity that is sports talk radio (WFAN's Steve Sommers excluded). There are so many columnists from Page 2 I could lambaste in this blog entry - Scoop Jackson for his faux "let's keep in real style", Jim Caple's inveterate Yankees bashing which somehow makes me sympathetic to Yankee fans, and Bill Simmon's inability to go a paragraph without referencing either an eighties movie or one of his friends that I don't care about. But no, today I will go after TMQ columnist Gregg Easterbrook.

But first let me go into the reasons why Mr. Easterbrook is NOT a prime candidate for a Charlie sanctioned keyboard smashing. It is NOT because he wouldn't let go of the Spygate thing because if that were true, I'd have to have Charlie smash the keyboards of 95% of the sports media in America (hey, now there's a good idea!). And let's be fair: Belichick and Roger Goodell could have handled the scandal a lot better than they did. It would be highly hypocritical of me to trash Easterbrook for making fun of the Patriots and not similarly blast DJ Gallo or the creators of "South Park" just because their Pats bashing amuses me.

It's not because Gregg can't go a column without opining on chaos theory, aircraft carriers or the Westminster Dog Show, even if I could care less about what he thinks about non-sports relating things (see my comments about the Dennis and Callahan show for details). It's not his irritating belief that he can tell when a game is over by whether or not a coach settles for a field goal. It's not even because his obsession with posting pictures of cheerleaders and bikini models make his column impossible to read at work without getting fired for violating your company's sexual harassment policy.

No, the real reason I'm going to beat up on TMQ is because the column is insanely long. I know that my fault - whether it be blogging or writing random content for The Coffin Online - is that I tend to get carried away and my writing style tends to look more like my mind vomited on the screen rather than a carefully edited piece. The difference between the Coffin Online and TMQ is that I'm not being paid to write the Coffin Online. And - sad to say - no one reads my webpage. Most PC fans don't even know it exists. Mr. Easterbrook is a nationally read columnist on a website run by the most popular sports news station in America. His verbosity is inexcusable. Clearly, someone has to step in and edit.

I love reading authors who can be long winded (Tolkien, Dickens, Tolstoy and Dostoyevski) or insanely obscure and difficult (Joyce, Faulkner, and Pynchon) but I'm not really sure I need that in an ONLINE COLUMN. The perfect online column should be just long enough to read during lunch break. Reading TMQ is an all day affair and that's why I'd like to send my cat to smash his keyboard.

Monday, April 21, 2008

Welcome to PC, Keno Davis...

... I hope you survive the experience.

Is there any job in America with larger disparity between risk and reward than the men's basketball coach and Providence College? Consider:

If you succeed, you'll get a ton of money at a much better school and you'll no doubt be deified by a success starved fanbase.

If you fail, the success starved fanbase will run you out of town on a rail... eventually. After seven years of kvetching.

Basketball fans at PC are even more vicious than hockey fans, if it were even possible. I will certainly grant you that the attitude of the fans at Schneider Arena did have something to do Paul Pooley escaping to South Bend, but I don't think that was the largest factor - largely because there's maybe 100 of us. The worst we could do was shout "Fire Pooley" at random intervals during the game and post "fire Pooley" about 9,000 times on USCHO and various other internet websites. It was very easy to ignore us.
Tim Welsh, on the other hand, was public enemy number one of the internet, the phones of the now defunct 790 the Score and very large signs hung up on Eaton Street. At some point in midway through the 1990's basketball not only surpassed hockey as a popular sport at PC, it left it about 90 miles behind. This is hugely amusing because aside from a stray Big East title and the run to the elite eight in 1997, the basketball team has done NOTHING, but I digress. Even during the current atrocity that passed itself off as a season of Big East basketball, the attendance at the Dunkin' Donuts Center (can we please change the name back?!?!) averaged a good five times more than the average attendance at the Bunker. Because of this, the AD at PC has a veritable mandate from God to keep the Friars competitive in the Big East. Some times this happens. Some times it doesn't.

The problem is that PC basketball has been the top sport in Rhode Island for a very long time. I will grant you that the Providence Bruins and Pawtucket Red Sox are popular, but not as much. I will also grant you that URI has challenged or surpassed PC is success on numerous occasions. But in a bizarre form of provincialism that could only exist in the smallest state in the union, South Kingston is "too far away" for most people(ummm, no). The professional sports teams in Boston don't really take away from PC's fan base - or at least they haven't since the Celtics descended into basketball hell after 1986. So really, Keno Davis is now responsible for the happiness of most of the state of Rhode Island. Talk about daunting!

There's an expectation that PC will eventually get back to the period between in the sixties and seventies where Friar hoops was a player on the national scene. The fact that the team has 2 NIT titles (when that was an accomplishment and not an afterthought), 2 Final Four appearances and 1 Big East title don't seem to matter much. There is the perception that the Friars were a dominant team. And good luck trying to convince any of us - myself included - that we can't get back there.

No, I don't envy Mr Davis his new position. As we get further and further from the run in 1997, the natives are getting more and more restless.

I will say this: I'm looking forward to seeing if PC's lack of success was due to Tim Welsh or something else...

Sunday, April 20, 2008

Don't bury the Boston Bruins...

... they aren't dead yet.

Now on Tuesday morning, this might be a completely different story. But it would be hard to make fun of the Bruins after coming back to force a game seven against a Montreal team that has absolutely owned them this year and the previous 80 odd seasons.

And yes, once again, I stand corrected.

Tuesday, April 15, 2008

Somebody smash this man's keyboard: Part Two

Charlie Chaplin, professional computer destroyer, on the case again!

I'm not even going to describe our next victim, just read these articles (or skim them it doesn't take long to get the point):

Exhibit A

Exhibit B

Exhibit C

So let me get this straight: Howie Carr is best columnist at the Herald - if not the city - as he is a bulwark against those nasty money grubbing liberals who soak tax payers and try to get gay people married and blah blah blah. Yet, in the span of one week, Howie has written the same column THREE F----ING TIMES. What is this, "Back to the Future"? And trust me, this is a small sampling. Howie only has three columns, which he has repeated ad infinitum for as long as I've been unfortunate to pay attention: the column on some "pol" who is "hacking" money, the one about his best friend Whitey Bulger, and the one where Howie is better than everyone because he voted for our idiot president. This are his only topics. For eight years. That's about 150 columns a year, right? The mind reels.

And here's the truly frustrating thing about this: I have no doubts that Howie is 100% accurate. The state of Massachusetts is an open sewer of corruption and privilege. So basically, this man has made the fact that my state is a haven of "hackery" boring?!?! Is that even remotely plausible? Yet, it has happened. I can't read any of his columns past the first paragraph without feeling the need to take a long nap. Not even the Bruins have inspired this much yawning in Boston.

Truly, the champion of the Blue Collar worker in Taxachusetts needs to either save his bile for a weekly expose or have my cat break his keyboard and stop the madness once and for all.

Monday, April 14, 2008

Two problems

Two things I'd like to go over this morning:

1. The story over the weekend that one of the workers on the new Yankees Stadium buried a David Ortiz jersey in the concrete in order to jinx the team is so utterly preposterous that it could have only come from the New York Post. A few things don't make sense here:
A. Why would the person who did this tell ANYONE at this stage of construction? Clearly, if you're going to try to "hex" the Be-Pinstriped Ones, you wait until the stadium is complete. Also, why would you let this get leaked to press? For one thing, you're going to get FIRED from your job. I would think most construction companies would frown on burying random items in concrete. Unless you work for the Mafia, of course.
B. The goofy "let's dig up the jersey" scene that followed. This was especially funny if you remember the Yankees initially dismissing the story as an April Fools joke. Apparently, it wasn't a joke. Or maybe the joke was on anyone who took it seriously.
C. The whole curse thing is hilarious. Red Sox fans went through this malarky during the "Curse of the Bambino" idiocy that the local and national media took over from Dan Shaugnessy in the 80's. Are New Yorkers really naive enough to believe in weird superstitions? In reality, sports is sports and losing streaks happen. God doesn't care one way or another who wins a bloody baseball game. I thought New Yorkers were smarter than this. Or was it just a slow news day?
D. What probably happened was the Yankees planted the jersey, dug it up and put on a huge show. Even if they didn't do it intentionally, this is still colossal waste of time. But it was kind of amusing, as compared to other wastes of time.

2. This is just a quick reminder for John Dennis and Gerry Callahan: Not everything in the world revolves around golf. Because I didn't feel like staying up until 1AM to see the Red Sox and Yankees, I went to bed early and turned on WEEI this morning to see if they were talking about the game. They were talking about the game, kind of. They spent 20 minutes babbling about the fact that baseball games take so long to complete.
I do agree that 4 hours for a baseball game is a bit much. I even agreed with their contention that the game could be stepped up if the batters didn't spend so much adjusting their gloves or stepping out of the batters box after every pitch. These are all valid points.
The problem is that they compared baseball to golf about 30 times in the span of 15 minutes. That was their only sports analogy. Golf. I understand the Masters was yesterday and they're getting over the shock of Tiger Woods not winning something, but come on: isn't there another sport you can compare it to? Basketball? Hockey? Football? The long laborious at bats that baseball is famous for are equaled by the ninety timeouts and fouls that happen at the end of every basketball game and the endless commercial breaks that accompany any NFL or college football contest. Both of those analogies I just made are better than comparing baseball to golf. Where's my million dollar contract and lucrative radio career?

Saturday, April 12, 2008

Hey, our league doesn't suck!

Congratulations to Jerry York and the 2008 BC Eagles for bringing the National Championship back to Hockey East after a seven year absence!

Yes, as poorly as PC played down the stretch, they did manage beat the eventual National Champions twice. I can't believe it either.

Thursday, April 10, 2008

Frozen Four preview... time to make predictions that won't come true!

What is more of a motif for me then kvetching and pointless hostility is making predictions... that don't come true! So here are some more you can all make fun of me for tomorrow.

Frozen Four predictions:

Michigan vs Notre Dame- It is difficult to think of a team more impressive this year than the Wolverines. When I saw them play at GLI, I was astounded at the fact that the NCAA actually allowed Billy Sauer to play with a force field surrounding his net. All kidding aside, the smart money is on Michigan to advance. Of course, it would be remiss of me not to give the Irish props for upsetting UNH and Michigan State on consecutive days and keeping our old friend Pooley gainfully employed. I think Notre Dame makes a game of it, but I see Michigan advancing.

BC vs North Dakota- Ah yes, the Eagles and Fighting Si- er, Flickertails meet YET AGAIN. On paper, you have to hand it to UND; they appear to have better goal scoring and the better goalie. But there's something magical about the ride Joe Muse has had and Nate Gerbe will probably annoy yet another college hockey fan base. For some inexplicable reason, I see BC advancing - even without a horrific cloud of fog, but not without some difficulty and not without TJ Oshie taking a number one in a public place.

These are my predictions, and please enjoy the UND/ND matchup on Saturday. Because I'm always wrong.

Wednesday, April 9, 2008

Bill Buckner?!?!?

"You are forgiven!
You are forgiven,
You are forgiven!

-The Who A Quick One While He's Away

Of all the "villains" in the history of Boston sports no one deserves the title of villain LESS than Bill Buckner. Let's review the facts:

In Game Six of the World Series, with the game TIED in extra innings due to the Red Sox bullpen - the team's weak spot all year - failing to get the final out with the Sox up by 2 - Mookie Wilson hits a grounder up the first base line at Bill Buckner - who was usually replaced by Dave Stapleton in the late innings of ball games - with went through Mr. Buckners legs as the Mets won the game. And if you really want to get technical, there is a theory out there that Mookie Wilson would have beaten the out even if Buckner had fielded the ball cleanly.

So, it's somehow Buckner's fault that the Red Sox lost the world series when the bullpen failed to hold a lead in game six (not game seven, game six) in a game that ended up tied in a position he never should have been in to begin with? This isn't the first time that Red Sox fans have found a completely inappropriate scapegoat. Johnny Pesky did NOT hold the ball against the Cardinals. The Bucky Dent home run happened in the early innings of the game. Pretty much the only appropriate scapegoat was Grady Little who was justifiably raked over the coals for one of the dumbest managing decisions in baseball history: leaving Pedro in too long in game 7 of the 2003 ALCS. And even that was a bit over blown considering that how dominant the Marlins ended up being in the post season should the Sox have advanced. And again, that was in the eighth inning.

To their credit, Red Sox fans have given Bill Buckner a standing ovation TWICE. Once was on opening day of the 1990 season when Bill returned to the Red Sox to end his career. The second time was yesterday when Buckner threw out the first pitch. So I'm beginning to wonder if Bill Buckner is really that hated. In fact, I've come to the conclusion that the people who really keep this alive is the media.

Consider the caricature of the typical Red Sox before 2004: some meathead with a Red Sox hat and a "Yankees Suck" t-shirt (if I'm ever elected to public office, I'm banning anything saying "Yankees Suck" and burning it in a huge bonfire. Just to let you know) who can't pronounce the letter "R" and is obsessed with the Buckner play.

Now, after 2007 and two World Series titles, is anything about that stereotype correct - aside from hating the Yankees, of course? I would argue that most people in Boston do NOT have the Boston accent. I would also argue that there are plenty of meatheads in this country who find the word "sucks" amusing who don't root for the Red Sox - if you don't believe me, look at our current president.

It makes a nice stock character, but I'm not sure it's at all accurate. There are plenty of reasons to dislike Red Sox fans: having the second highest payroll in baseball, the pomposity of the very idea of "Red Sox Nation", Wally the Green Monster gives you nightmares, "Fever Pitch", and the existence of Ben Affleck. None of that crap is 100% accurate about all of us. For example, I had friends in college who were Yankees fans and they weren't unbearable louts. They were only unbearable louts when you discussed baseball. So we didn't. And we all got along splendidly.

The real problem is the "Buckner obsession" is the 2 World Series Titles. Not everyone was around for 1986, but most of the population can remember 2004 and 2006. The further we get from 1986, the less relevant Game Six gets. Yes, media hacks, Buckner is off the hook and so are Denny Galehouse, Johnny Pesky, Mike Torrez, and Tim Wakefield. Grady Little is a different story.

BTW: I'd be remiss if I didn't point out that Game Six was only the second most famous moment Bill Buckner was a part of. If you look at the footage of Hank Aaron's record breaking home run, Buckner is playing left field for the Dodgers

Tuesday, April 8, 2008

Opening Day!

Putting aside my treasured pessimism and snarkyness for a moment, it is opening day at Fenway Park. Spring is FINALLY here, and we can put that horrible weekend series with the Blue Jays (aka Team Third Place) behind us and move on. And while we're on the subject of forgetting horrible events in history, the first pitch will be thrown by...

*drumroll please*

Bill Buckner!

I don't know what's more surprising: that or the fact that the Tigers are somehow 0-6.

Sunday, April 6, 2008

Bruins extend season for a week

This picture represents something that didn't happen for the Bruins this season.

Notice the title of this entry is "extend season" and not "make playoffs!!!1!!!". This is because I'm not totally convinced that this is actually an accomplishment. First of all, most of the NHL seems to have a winning record these days. Secondly, has it ever been difficult to get into the playoffs in the NHL? At one point, the Bruins made the playoffs for 29 straight seasons. And most importantly, the Bruins are playing Montreal. Here are a few reasons why no post season in which the Boston Bruins play les Habitants could ever be teamed up with the word "excitement".

1. They always lose.
2. The Bruins had a sparkling 0-7-1 record against Montreal. *shudder*
3. They always lose.
4. With the Celtics storming their way into the NBA postseason and the Red Sox starting to play meaningful games, does anyone really care?
5. They always lose
6. ?
7. Profit
8. Did I mention they always lose?

I apologize for the lame South Park joke, but keep in mind: the Bruins always lose to Montreal in the playoffs. Sigh. At best, this delays the inevitable.

Thursday, April 3, 2008


Every morning during the week, Jenny and I wake up to NPR's "Morning Edition" because the news is a little easier to take when you're not quite awake. Unfortunately, this can make for some surreal moments like the one I had this morning. I woke up to one of those cute reports where they interview people in state with an upcoming primary. Since the Democratic nomination is still up in the air, I can see why NPR would be interested. And since this is NPR and not the idiots at CNN, the networks and Fox News, they usually find people who can string words together into a coherent thought. Unfortunately, they did find one woman used a word that has bounced around my head all day: "shenanigans".

"Shenanigans" in this context referred to Bill Clinton's extra marital affair with Monica Lewinski - as in "I believe Hilary would be a good leader since she was able to handle her husbands shenanigans". Now, when I think of shenanigans, I think of merry pranks, that episode of the "South Park" where the town beats up carnies, and Favra's favorite restaurant. Bill Clinton's (numerous) indiscretions never would have occurred to me. Should we really be referring to Bill's libido laden stupidity with the same term we use for college pranks? I call shenanigans on the woman's use of shenanigans.

The only word that I would consider to be more entertaining is "hoopla". I never hear that one any more. The last time I heard "hoopla" was in an old "Kids in the Hall" skit. I have to say, my shenanigans do result in a fair amount of hoopla. But never a donnybrook and they don't require much skullduggery either.

I don't know what this blog entry is about, but I guess the lesson is that you shouldn't mix up iniquity with shenanigans at 6:20 AM. Because that will cause much in the way of hoopla.

Wednesday, April 2, 2008

It's the Jon show!!!!

I do tend to complain about WEEI; this includes message boards, this blog, my friends and family, and the prayers at night I say to God in hopes that Gerry Callahan will let go his hatred of liberals for an entire week and talk sports for 5 hours a day. As you can tell from the fact that WEEI's format has not changed and they still remain the number one sports station in the region, they're not paying attention to me. I believe this is because all I've done is make fun of them. In other words, I'm not being constructive in my criticism. It's one thing to mock Fred Smerlas for being unable to go 5 minutes without talking over his co-hosts, it's another thing to give him advice on how to make his stepping on them more entertaining. So, to keep things positive, here is what I would do if I had my own sports radio show.

(Yes Jenny and the Curious Offbeats, this will be yet another sports entry. Sorry. Next entry I'll suggest we convince Charlie Chaplin that Ann Coulter's head is a ball of yarn. Given her intelligence level, that shouldn't be hard.)

No politics: I don't care, the listeners don't either. Besides as a moderate, does anyone want 5 hours of me waffling about whether McCain is a bigger creep than Hilary? Come on now. (Besides, the answer is obviously Hilary. Just kidding)

Talk about any and all sports: I'm tired of turning on WEEI and hearing nothing but Red Sox and Patriots - with five seconds of talk about whether Kevin Garnett is better than Larry Bird was. What the hell? If I had show, we'd talk about all four major sports (yes, hockey counts) and college sports and anything up to and including NASCAR. I think it would be interesting. I might be alone in that.

No... You could NOT manage the Red Sox better than Terry Francona. Tito get's more criticism than Deval Patrick, yet has a better record. I'm hanging up on any caller who can't understand that he probably wouldn't out manage someone with two World Series rings. What's next, people who think they can out gameplan Bellichick? Out fox Red Auerbach? Out dress Don Cherry?

No celebrity callers: ... because most of them are miserable. Especially the ones on WEEI. Jim the Wrestling Goon? Umm, pro wrestling isn't a sport. Unless he's going to discuss the big Cyclones/Hawkeyes meet in Iowa, it's not sports related. How did he get on the air? Angry Bill is even worse. Here's someone who's criticism of the Red Sox actually INCREASED when the Sox won the world series. And it got even worse this year when they won AGAIN. How is that possible? Then you have Dakota, who moans about the Patriots during the season where they go undefeated (well, kind of undefeated). Huh? No celebrity callers. Every caller will get a chance to get on the air, but no more than once a week. Viva democracy.

I do not have a crush on Hazel Mae: Or Tina Cervasio. Or Amelie Benjamin. Probably not Sonny Watrous either. Because I'm pretty sure she can kill me with a slapshot.

My enterance music: I have a few choices: "Hell Awaits" by Slayer? "This is Hardcore" by Pulp? "A Shoehorn with Teeth" by They Might Be Giants? Lot's of places I could go with this...

The Chili Guy would be my cohost: He's the richest guy through the country baby.

So those are my ideas for the Jon show. Now you know why no program director in their right mind would let me near a microphone.