Somebody break a whole mess of computers part VI: Jason Takes Manhattan

For those of you who are coming to this blog for the first time... I apologize. Very sorry, I'll try to do better.

Seriously, for those of you who are new here, one of the running jokes in this blog is the destructive temperament of my cat, Charlie Chaplin. The only things my cat enjoys more than eating, my lap, and sleeping is destroying things. Sadly, his first victim was my computer. Since then, I've been trying to focus Charlie's destructive impulses for "good". "Good" in this case means destroying the computers of people who irritate me on the internet. (this is pretend of course. Charlie isn't allowed to leave the house, much less board a plane and start sabotaging other people's computers. I feel someone might take this is a serious threat. It's all in good fun, even if these people deserve it)

Here are Charlie's pending warrants of destruction and the status of those warrants:

-Bill O'Reilly: Reason for incurring my wrath? Writing the worst column known to man. Warrant status? Pardoned I've managed to avoid his awful writing for the better part of six months. The McCain defeat was punishment enough for him.

-Howie "The Hostage" Carr: Reason for incurring my wrath? Boring me to tears by writing about the same topic endlessly for 20 years and making me not care about government corruption at all. Bashing Patriots fans and gloating over Tom Brady's injury. Warrant status? pardoned Never followed up on his idiotic Brady bashing - probably because he was scared of Charlie. The defeat of his lady love (who can see Russia from her home!) was punishment enough.

-Gregg Easterbrook: Reason for incurring my wrath? Impersonating a Russian author. Warrant status? Oustanding I apologize to his editor for Charlie's lack of action. Imagine proofreading the Encyclopedia Britannica every week. Ouch!

-Phil Mushnick: Reason for incurring my wrath? Acting like the Bill O'Reilly of sports columnists. Mentioning pro-wrestling. Status of Warrant?Elevated Has been whinier than usual lately and has managed to stereotype all college athletes as criminals. Generalize much? Charlie needs to take out his monitor as well as his keyboard!

-Idiots on Youtube/ESPN: Reason for incurring my wrath? Being unable to spell, make a coherent thought, or function as a rational human being. Status of warrant? I'm sending Luca Brasi instead Add Boston.com to the list. These people need their computers smashed. I'm scared that I share oxygen with these jackanapes.

Here's the newest warrant for Charlie to take care of:

-Dan Shaugnessy: Reason for incurring my wrath? Writing a book about the Curse of the Bambino, thus perpetuating that curse non-sense. Writes about how every team in New England is going to win a championship... then changes his mind half way through the year and writes about how the teams suck. Say "Bye bye bye!" to your computer!

Charlie: you've got some explaining to do, sir!

Whiny Patriots fans?

Do I even need to read the latest atrocity from our friend at the Herald to tell that it's not for my consumption? No, I really don't. I guess it's been a slow week for public employee hacks, Whitey Bulger news and GOP apologizing if Captain Tedium is going after the fans of the New England Patriots. Charlie Chaplin is a bad kitty for not destroying his computer months ago.

Of course, this is nothing new from the Herald who strayed severely from their "We Love the Pats" coverage (which used to be a nice change from the Sox obsessed Globe)drastically with their "Bellicheat" cover, John Tomase's imaginary St. Louis Rams walkthrough story, and Tony Massoratti's ill conceived story about losers in Tedy Bruschi jerseys. The hits just keep on coming.

Meanwhile, Bob Ryan says this better than I ever could. Come back off the ledge people. The Sox are 1.5 games out of first, and the Pats season hasn't ended. Yet.

A month to go: college hockey events I want to see...

Just to get myself in the mood for college hockey, here are some things I'd like to see happen. And, the chances of that actually occurring.

"Hockey East Semi-final Round features UML, UMA, PC and NU"- This would be a great time. Not only would the league's head explode due to the lack of the "traditional" powers, but the novelty would be awesome. And the best part is, you can sub Merrimack or UVM for any of these teams and have just as awesome a spectacle.
Chances of seeing this: The way the league is currently organized, slim to none.

"AIC wins the National Championship"- From worst... to first.
Chances of seeing this: 0

"Northeastern wins Beanpot"- With all of 4 Beanpots, does any fan base more deserve a win in this tournament?
Chances of seeing this: We say this yearly, but the Huskies keep getting better. This is not entirely outside of the realm of possibility. But... it never happens. Harvard is probably a better bet.
BTW: I excluded the GLI from this list because the "visitor" this year is UND. The Fighting Sioux win something annually. That's not impressive. MTU winning, would be something, but they still have about twice as many GLI trophies as NU does Beanpots.

"UAA wins the WCHA"- ... and then come the flying pigs.
Chances of seeing this: The WCHA usually boasts 5-6 tourney capable teams so this isn't entirely outside the realm of possibility. Unfortunately, it never seems to come together for the Sea Wolves. The chances are probably not good.

"UAF wins CCHA" - ... temperatures drop precipitously in Hell....
Chances of seeing this: Low. Since the Nanooks are usually worse than the Seawolves, this doesn't look promising either.


"Brown wins something other than the Mayor's Cup"- Brown is another team that always promises to be a competitor.
Chances of seeing this: Decent. Basically, I'd just like to see them torture someone other than PC.

"PC gets to the NCAA tournament"- Sigh.
Chances of seeing this: After last year? Abysmal


"Charlie Chaplin destroys someone elses computer"- Please, let this happen!
Chances of seeing this: Not goodUnless he gets access to some keys...

Charlie has failed...

...the hacks just keep coming.

Sigh.

Not only is the column still being recycle- er, written, but he's on to us! Bad kitty! Very very bad!

Moonbats assemble! Let the persecution of all non-liberals commence!

(in all seriousness, it's good to see the same idiots comment on every single Howie article. At least we know where they nest. )

Coming attractions!

I've had some great ideas for blog posts lately, some of which I'll get to:

-I really need to do that Journey/Styxx/Foreigner Battle Royal I promised. I'll get to it eventually. Don't stop believing... (I couldn't resist)

- Joe Fitzgerald from the Boston Herald needs a visit from Charlie Chaplin following his asinine comments about George Carlin's lack of "decency". Apparently, using seven words you can't say on the air is indecent, but choosing the event of someone's death to bring up people's potty mouths is okay? I really don't think so.

- More complaining about WEEI's uselessness. The Red Sox are slumping badly, so why all the reflexive Manny bashing? Actually, I might not need to do this.

-Where should Jenny and I go on our honeymoon? My ideas on the subject will follow.

Jon's Professional Packing Service

During the 2004 election, many people on the far left threatened to leave this country if George W Bush was re-elected (an interesting concept in and of itself). Sadly, none of them did.

You'd think that liberals making this idle threat would have been comical. But now we have conservatives making it. It was so much "fun" when Hollywood did it, now the right wants to do it as well? Hilarious.

The joke is this: none of you are going anywhere. I recently made the mistake of checking out the bottom rung of the Herald's website, aka the Comments section. Apparently, the cool new thing to do is to threaten to leave the Commonwealth because it is - as one cretin put it - "a far left dungheap". I bet you anything said poster never gets beyond 495.

There is a population drain on MA right now. I very much doubt that it's because of the state's admittedly liberal politics. I think it might have something to do with the high cost of living and the outrageous rent prices being charged. Or maybe the taxes. At any rate, I'm all for the continued exodus,if only to cut down on the long, mindnumbingly awful traffic jams around here at 5 PM. And it's nice to see all those Red Sox fans show up in Florida. So please do leave. I hate having to sit in traffic whenever I want to go anywhere.

But rather than just making fun of people, I'd like to do something helpful while I'm making fun of them. If anyone would like to leave the state do go to one of those apparently wonderful Red States where the streets are paved with gold, I'm more than happy to help you move. Charlie Chaplin and I will be willing to lend a hand and a paw to any political refugees as you move from this far left dungheap to whatever shanty town you'll be cooling your heels in while you wait for another handsome carpet bagger to save the Commonwealth.

Or maybe you'll just stay here and complain online?

Somebody Break His Keyboard Part Five: Burnination!

Charlie Chaplin - my computer annihilating cat - has had a nice vacation recently. I haven't sent him out to destroy anyone's computer for a few weeks now. Well, I'm sorry Charlie, but you're on the case again. This victim has had this computer destruction coming for a while now:

http://www.nypost.com/seven/06132008/sports/mckay_too_classy_for_tv_today_115289.htm

Here's the reason why Mr. Mushnick has earned this dubious honor. Much like Bill O'Reilly, he can't go an article without kvetching about the lack of "decency" in the world, only this time in the sporting world. But since O'Reilly is a lame conservative commentator, it's kind of expected. Phil Mushnick writes about sports. And here's the rub.

Professional wrestling is not a sport. It should not be discussed in an article about sports. See, there's a difference between the WWE and sports leagues: the results aren't decided ahead of time (unless David Stern feels like it, apparently). Why Phil can't seem to figure this out is beyond me. If I see a column in the "sports" section, and the column is about professional wrestling, my first thought is that the columnist in question is desperately confused about the purpose of his job. If he does it continuously, it makes me think I should stop reading his column. If Phil Mushnick is going to spend his time complaining about Vince McMahon, he should branch out and start writing about politics, astrology, gossip or even the mating habits of the American Badger. Because all of those things have as much to do with sports as professional wrestling.

I know I'm not the first person to complain about this. I know that pro-wrestling fans hate Mushnick with a passion, but that's to be expected because he's going after their favorite thing. But I think most of the rest of us are pissed at Mushnick because - again - professional wrestling is not a sport. Yet he keeps bringing it up. I've been complaining about this since I was a teenager and Mushnick wrote a weekly column in TV Guide where he frequenly complained about wrestling. This was kind of irritating 15 years ago, and the act hasn't improved with age.

Sic him, Charlie.

Somebody Break Their Keyboards Part IV: The Quickening

Including my own irritable rant yesterday, there's been a lot of venom spewed on blogs and message boards all across the internet. But there's a new enemy of all that is decent and reasonable: the comments section.

Yes, whenever someone writes an online column or blog entry, there's usually a few people (unless it's MY blog for some reason) willing to add a comment or two. Sometimes , the comments are useful and intelligent (again, my blog). Most of the time, they're completely insane.

The worst offenders are ESPN and You Tube. I dare you find a single comment section on You Tube that does not include a F bomb, an ad hominem attack, or a misspelled word. ESPN is just as bad, except the spelling is marginally better. The comments on Spygate have been particularly insane, leading directly to my latest rant. Honestly, are there really that many stupid, illiterate, and hostile people in this country?

Yes, yes there are. And lest you think this is mostly an attack on people outside of New England (ie, the Pats haters I went off on yesterday), there are just as many tools in the Northeast. Check out the comment section on the Boston Herald. In any political discussion, you'll find a bunch of people who best exemplify the lowest common denominator that infests WEEI and WRKO: nitwits who think they're Howie Carr. I already went off on Howie for his repetitive column. I could have just as easily gone off on him for producing a seemingly endless array of whiny, racist, homophobic, misogynistic paltroons who infest the Boston Herald website and make the comment section unintentionally hysterical. I don't know if they're mocking Howie or agreeing with him, but they come across as morons.

Sadly, I can also say the same thing about my favorite sports site on the internet: the Boston Sports Media Watch. I enjoy the columns and blog entries on this site immensely because they share my view of WEEI, the Globe, Herald, and NESN. What I do find distressing is the amount of idiocy that makes it's way on that website anyways. It's particularly sad to see any article about a female reporter degenerate into a discussion about T & A, which is exactly the type of frat boy nonsense the website seems to be against.

The comments section in any website are basically anonymous, giving someone the opportunity to spew whatever idiocy they feel like. I don't think it adds much to any discussion, and thus I would like to clone Charlie Chaplin about 10 million times and have him destroy the computers of anyone who choses to use a comment section as a way of displaying what kind of a pathetic human being they really are.

Someone Smash this Man's Keyboard Part III: the Search for Spock

Having already sent Charlie Chaplin - who did such a great job of destroying my computer - after Fox News commentator Bill O'Reilly and repetitive local personality Howie Carr, I'm going to shift gears and send my cat after someone from the monolithic presence that is ESPN.
As I'm sure most people reading this blog would agree with, ESPN's Page 2 is an endless source of bad humor, 80's movie references and idiotic opinions. Basically, it was ESPN's version of the monstrosity that is sports talk radio (WFAN's Steve Sommers excluded). There are so many columnists from Page 2 I could lambaste in this blog entry - Scoop Jackson for his faux "let's keep in real style", Jim Caple's inveterate Yankees bashing which somehow makes me sympathetic to Yankee fans, and Bill Simmon's inability to go a paragraph without referencing either an eighties movie or one of his friends that I don't care about. But no, today I will go after TMQ columnist Gregg Easterbrook.

But first let me go into the reasons why Mr. Easterbrook is NOT a prime candidate for a Charlie sanctioned keyboard smashing. It is NOT because he wouldn't let go of the Spygate thing because if that were true, I'd have to have Charlie smash the keyboards of 95% of the sports media in America (hey, now there's a good idea!). And let's be fair: Belichick and Roger Goodell could have handled the scandal a lot better than they did. It would be highly hypocritical of me to trash Easterbrook for making fun of the Patriots and not similarly blast DJ Gallo or the creators of "South Park" just because their Pats bashing amuses me.

It's not because Gregg can't go a column without opining on chaos theory, aircraft carriers or the Westminster Dog Show, even if I could care less about what he thinks about non-sports relating things (see my comments about the Dennis and Callahan show for details). It's not his irritating belief that he can tell when a game is over by whether or not a coach settles for a field goal. It's not even because his obsession with posting pictures of cheerleaders and bikini models make his column impossible to read at work without getting fired for violating your company's sexual harassment policy.

No, the real reason I'm going to beat up on TMQ is because the column is insanely long. I know that my fault - whether it be blogging or writing random content for The Coffin Online - is that I tend to get carried away and my writing style tends to look more like my mind vomited on the screen rather than a carefully edited piece. The difference between the Coffin Online and TMQ is that I'm not being paid to write the Coffin Online. And - sad to say - no one reads my webpage. Most PC fans don't even know it exists. Mr. Easterbrook is a nationally read columnist on a website run by the most popular sports news station in America. His verbosity is inexcusable. Clearly, someone has to step in and edit.

I love reading authors who can be long winded (Tolkien, Dickens, Tolstoy and Dostoyevski) or insanely obscure and difficult (Joyce, Faulkner, and Pynchon) but I'm not really sure I need that in an ONLINE COLUMN. The perfect online column should be just long enough to read during lunch break. Reading TMQ is an all day affair and that's why I'd like to send my cat to smash his keyboard.

Somebody smash this man's keyboard: Part Two

Charlie Chaplin, professional computer destroyer, on the case again!

I'm not even going to describe our next victim, just read these articles (or skim them it doesn't take long to get the point):

Exhibit A

Exhibit B

Exhibit C

So let me get this straight: Howie Carr is best columnist at the Herald - if not the city - as he is a bulwark against those nasty money grubbing liberals who soak tax payers and try to get gay people married and blah blah blah. Yet, in the span of one week, Howie has written the same column THREE F----ING TIMES. What is this, "Back to the Future"? And trust me, this is a small sampling. Howie only has three columns, which he has repeated ad infinitum for as long as I've been unfortunate to pay attention: the column on some "pol" who is "hacking" money, the one about his best friend Whitey Bulger, and the one where Howie is better than everyone because he voted for our idiot president. This are his only topics. For eight years. That's about 150 columns a year, right? The mind reels.

And here's the truly frustrating thing about this: I have no doubts that Howie is 100% accurate. The state of Massachusetts is an open sewer of corruption and privilege. So basically, this man has made the fact that my state is a haven of "hackery" boring?!?! Is that even remotely plausible? Yet, it has happened. I can't read any of his columns past the first paragraph without feeling the need to take a long nap. Not even the Bruins have inspired this much yawning in Boston.

Truly, the champion of the Blue Collar worker in Taxachusetts needs to either save his bile for a weekly expose or have my cat break his keyboard and stop the madness once and for all.