Thursday, June 26, 2008

Jon's Professional Packing Service

During the 2004 election, many people on the far left threatened to leave this country if George W Bush was re-elected (an interesting concept in and of itself). Sadly, none of them did.

You'd think that liberals making this idle threat would have been comical. But now we have conservatives making it. It was so much "fun" when Hollywood did it, now the right wants to do it as well? Hilarious.

The joke is this: none of you are going anywhere. I recently made the mistake of checking out the bottom rung of the Herald's website, aka the Comments section. Apparently, the cool new thing to do is to threaten to leave the Commonwealth because it is - as one cretin put it - "a far left dungheap". I bet you anything said poster never gets beyond 495.

There is a population drain on MA right now. I very much doubt that it's because of the state's admittedly liberal politics. I think it might have something to do with the high cost of living and the outrageous rent prices being charged. Or maybe the taxes. At any rate, I'm all for the continued exodus,if only to cut down on the long, mindnumbingly awful traffic jams around here at 5 PM. And it's nice to see all those Red Sox fans show up in Florida. So please do leave. I hate having to sit in traffic whenever I want to go anywhere.

But rather than just making fun of people, I'd like to do something helpful while I'm making fun of them. If anyone would like to leave the state do go to one of those apparently wonderful Red States where the streets are paved with gold, I'm more than happy to help you move. Charlie Chaplin and I will be willing to lend a hand and a paw to any political refugees as you move from this far left dungheap to whatever shanty town you'll be cooling your heels in while you wait for another handsome carpet bagger to save the Commonwealth.

Or maybe you'll just stay here and complain online?

Tuesday, June 24, 2008

George Carlin: RIP

I had to do some sort of tribute to George Carlin, one of my favorite comedians of all time. I'm very grateful that I got to see him live a few months ago. Here are some of my favorite lines (or at least the one's I could say on the radio):

"Are we so much better than chickens all of a sudden? When did this happen, that we passed chickens in goodness. Name 6 ways we're better than chickens. See, nobody can do it! You know why? ‘Cause chickens are decent people."

"Tonight's forecast: Dark."

"Did you ever notice that whenever you get two groups of people who really hate each other, they're wearing different hats. Keep that in mind, it could be important."

"But I don't pray to sun. Do you know who I pray to? Joe Pesci. That's because he's the kind of guy who can get things done."

"'Boy, he really takes the cake.' Where? Where do you take a cake? To the movies? Do you know where I'd take a cake? To the bakery. To look at the other cakes."

"Here's another bunch of ignorant ****: school uniforms. Bad theory. The idea that if kids wear uniforms to school it helps keep order. Don't these schools do enough damage makin' all these kids think alike? Now they're gonna make them look alike too? And it's not a new idea. I first saw it in news reels from the 1930s, but it was hard to understand 'cause the narration was in German!"

"Question number one: 'Did you pack your bags yourself?' No, Carrot Top packed my bags."

"Here's a bumper sticker I'd like to see: 'We are the proud parents of a child whose self esteem is sufficient that he doesn't need us promoting his minor scholastic achievements on the back of our car.'"

"Pacifism is a nice idea but it can get you killed. We're not there yet. Evolution is slow, small pox is fast."

"They can't fool me, man. 'Shoot' is **** with two 'o's."

The Doldrums

Now that the NBA title has been decided and New England has finally had chance to catch up on sleep, we come to the worst part of any baseball season: the part where your team can not buy a win. The Red Sox are stumbling right now - at home against National League teams - and their one win was in 13 mind numbingly awful innings. Clearly, this does not exactly make me regret lavishing all of my attention on the Celtics.

What surprises me is not that the Sox are slumping. What surprises me is that they seemed to have slumped at the exact same time last year as well. I'd have to do a bit more research on this, but it does seem like they went through a protracted slump around June. Now, losing 3 out of 4 games does not make a "slump". But with injuries and suspensions (thank you Psycho Coco Crisp!) taking their inevitable toll, this could be the beginning.

I never thought I'd say this, but I miss basketball.

Thursday, June 19, 2008

Random thoughts following the Celtic's Championship run

-I heard someone on 890 AM (ESPN's Boston affiliate) ruminate that win or lose, the Boston sports scene will be much less exciting when the NBA Finals end. They were right. I'm happy that the Red Sox have picked up momentum, but it's going to be much harder to get into the season right now. Usually, I can tell you how many games the Red Sox are in first or second (or, like two years ago third) place by. I honestly haven't been paying too much attention this year. I think part of the problem is being chased Tampa Bay instead of the Be-Pinstriped ones.

-Remember last year when the Celtics seemed to be completely luckless? They had just suffered through the worst season in recent memory (and considering the utterly horrific years with ML Carr and Rick Pitino, that says something) where the team went on a self-inflicted 18 game losing streak, only to miss out on the top pick in the draft. And now they're the Champions. Unreal.

-You'd think that this would inspire the Bruins to make a big move. Nope. It's one thing to be close to irrelevance, it's another thing to seemingly revel in it.

-Apparently, I'm not the only one who thinks wearing a Celtic FC jersey to a Celtics event is clever. I've seen a few people wear the Hoops to C's events recently. I also see at least one or two green and white strips every time I'm in Fenway. I have no idea what links Celtic can have with the Red Sox save that Boston is "irish" (us being in the US) the same way Glasgow is "irish" (them being in Scotland at all).

-And being the PC homer I am, I wish Ryan Gomes was around to enjoy this. But I do appreciate his sacrifice to bring KG here.

-Speaking of the Big Ticket, I came to the conclusion during his completely inscrutable post game interview that KG is at least as crazy as Jonathan Papelbon, if not more so. I'm glad he's with us and not against us.

-Did Paul Pierce ever - in a thousand years - think THIS was going to happen? Last year he wanted out. Now he's the Finals MVP. This whole situation is completely inexplicable.

-Compared to the first time the Pat's won the Super Bowl, and the Red Sox winning in 2004, I'd have to say that I enjoyed this more. The first two titles I just mentioned put me in a state of shock: I'm still not convinced it actually happened. Because of the utter demolition of the Lakers, I had time to mentally process what was happening. The Sox never gave me that luxury in 2004. From Game Four of the ALCS onwards, they always threatened to lose.

-Speaking of the Lakers, I have no idea what to think of them. They aren't the Celtics arch rivals (that would be the 76'ers) and they only posed a threat when the C's were playing particularly incompetently. Kobe is be lot closer to LeBron than he is to Jordan and Phil Jackson spent most of the series meditating - he certainly wasn't coaching. So much for them being the superior team. Also, as irritating as the Hollywood Lakers fans are, they can't hold a candle to Evil Bizzaro New Englanders who root for the Yankees (aside from an absurd level of confidence that is now TOTALLY unfounded, what's the difference) and the violent Francophone mess that is the Canadiens fan base (rioting after a first round victory? Are you kidding me?!?), Lakers fans are rather tame.

-One final thought for tonight, the Larry O'Brien trophy looks like a hood ornament. Chalk that up as yet another reason why we need to get the Stanley Cup back to Boston.

Tuesday, June 17, 2008



Spector: No mas!

Je surrender!

Our long national nightmare is over! Now that Arlen has finally let go of his silly pity party, maybe he can get to those unimportant trifles like Iraq, the economy, global warming, and social security.

Saturday, June 14, 2008

Somebody Break His Keyboard Part Five: Burnination!

Charlie Chaplin - my computer annihilating cat - has had a nice vacation recently. I haven't sent him out to destroy anyone's computer for a few weeks now. Well, I'm sorry Charlie, but you're on the case again. This victim has had this computer destruction coming for a while now:

Here's the reason why Mr. Mushnick has earned this dubious honor. Much like Bill O'Reilly, he can't go an article without kvetching about the lack of "decency" in the world, only this time in the sporting world. But since O'Reilly is a lame conservative commentator, it's kind of expected. Phil Mushnick writes about sports. And here's the rub.

Professional wrestling is not a sport. It should not be discussed in an article about sports. See, there's a difference between the WWE and sports leagues: the results aren't decided ahead of time (unless David Stern feels like it, apparently). Why Phil can't seem to figure this out is beyond me. If I see a column in the "sports" section, and the column is about professional wrestling, my first thought is that the columnist in question is desperately confused about the purpose of his job. If he does it continuously, it makes me think I should stop reading his column. If Phil Mushnick is going to spend his time complaining about Vince McMahon, he should branch out and start writing about politics, astrology, gossip or even the mating habits of the American Badger. Because all of those things have as much to do with sports as professional wrestling.

I know I'm not the first person to complain about this. I know that pro-wrestling fans hate Mushnick with a passion, but that's to be expected because he's going after their favorite thing. But I think most of the rest of us are pissed at Mushnick because - again - professional wrestling is not a sport. Yet he keeps bringing it up. I've been complaining about this since I was a teenager and Mushnick wrote a weekly column in TV Guide where he frequenly complained about wrestling. This was kind of irritating 15 years ago, and the act hasn't improved with age.

Sic him, Charlie.

Thursday, June 12, 2008

I can't believe it!!!

Lakers in seven now, right?

A lot of people are eating crow right now. Myself included; I had the series going seven. I honestly think the C's can finish this team off in LA. And even if they don't, they have three chances to pull this off.

Wow! Just... wow!

Tuesday, June 10, 2008

David Stern Can Not Be Harmed By Conventional Weapons!

So, after the entire nation spends the better part of 48 hours ruminating that the Lakers will get every call imaginable for Game Three after the ridiculous free throw disparity in Game Two, David Stern trots out Bennett Salvatore. Did anyone not see this coming? And more to the point, did anyone NOT think David Stern would do this?

Give David Stern some credit: he knew he was going to get criticized for the pro-Boston slant of the officiating in Game Two and he further knew that the criticism was going to get worse if he sent scrubs to Game Three to give the Lakers the advantage. If you want to argue that the NBA is fixed, what would be more obvious than an entire game of make up calls? But David Stern doesn't care. He is apparently above criticism. The man just does what he wants.

Could you imagine if Roger Gooddell, Bud Selig, or Gary Bettman pulled this crap? League ratings would never be the same. But Stern gets away with it, much as he did with Tim Donaghy (which was far worse than the MLB steroid scandal and Spygate in my opinion because it's one thing for players and coaches to break the rules, it's another for the league officials to affect the games like they were Vince McMahon).
It's basically like David Stern is singlehandedly attempting to prove every cockamamie conspiracy theory Bill Simmons has come up with over the past eight years is absolutely true.

The fact that he would court almost certain condemnation leads me to the one unarguable conclusion:

David Stern can not be harmed. He might be invincible. He might even be the Highlander (in which case the Lakers/Celtics match up would be the Quickening). Now I want to buy "the Best of Queen" and crank the volume up to 11.

Sunday, June 8, 2008

Lakers in Five, er... Six, right?

Well, there was nothing easy about the first two games of the finals, but given that the Celtics were supposed to curl up and die in these games, I would say that if Lakers are going to win the the NBA title, it's not going to be as easy as some of the prognosticators in the national media (and the aforementioned mouth breathers I made fun of a few days ago) thought it was going to be.

Two wins away.

Friday, June 6, 2008

Day of Mindless Drivel: Part Three

One more while I'm channeling Crow and Tom Servo:

"oh please whoever thought he was really hurt is to gulable he faked that the same way he faked you all into believing he was hurt he needed to do that or the celtics lost that game i don't care what anybody says he faked that injury like you would'nt belive looked what happened when he came back out enough said"

"is to gulable"- W would love this guy. "gulable"? I think that means "possessing the attributes of a sea gull."

he was really hurt is to gulable as rational arguments is to this guy.

"he faked that the same way he faked you all into believing he was hurt"- Isn't that the same thing?

"or the celtics lost that game"- Because the rest of his team mates did nothing, right?

"i don't care what anybody says"- Probably because you enjoy being an idiot.

"would'nt belive"- There's no way a functioning adult wrote this. None.

Well, that was fun. Which one of these twits most deserves a visit from Charlie Chaplin?

Day of Mindless Drivel: Part Two

Just so you don't think it's only Lakers fans (and their seemingly endless train of apologists) who are the problem, here's a gem by someone who will hopefully be moving from Boston to Djibouti any day now:

"By the way. People from LA have no business commenting on the toughness/manhood of anyone. LA is the heart of sissy/homeo land."

Thank you for painting us all as homophobic idiots who can't spell. Please root for a different team.

Day of Mindless Drivel: Part One

The sad pathetic descent of America's basement dwelling losers continues unabated. Here's a random sampling of the stupidity that passes for "conversation" on ESPN's vapid comment section:

"First off, Paul Pierce is a drama queen. Plain and simple. Don't argue about it, last night was a perfect example of that. All you Celtics fan in here are talking about how you dominated the lakers last night. The fact of the matter is the Lakers were leading for most of the game and it was a close game throughout. It could have gone either way, and this is with Kobe going 1-10 in the first half. If any of you think the Celts actually have a shot at winning ever again this season, good luck! Lakers in 5.
PS- I think I saw Pierce's vaj bag when he got wheelchaired of the court."

This is pretty bad, eh? Now let's dissect why this nimrod should be awarded a sub prime mortgage:

"Don't argue about it"- The mating call of someone with no valid argument.

" All you Celtics fan"- I hate the Celtics fan. I'd prefer the Celtic's air conditioner. Apostrophes are your friends!

"in here are talking about how you dominated the lakers last night." - Any Celtics fan having a conversation with this clown is too stupid to belong to this fan base. And anyone dumb enough to argue that the Celtics "dominated" anything last night was watching a different game. But at least we now know that Lakers fans aren't the only idiots on ESPN. Hallelujah! As if we weren't personally aware of any idiots in Boston, right?

"The fact of the matter is the Lakers were leading for most of the game and it was a close game throughout." - Umm,no they weren't. Does the space time continuum not work for you? This was one of the most back and forth games I've seen in ages.

"It could have gone either way"- But it didn't. Again, this guy needs a Flux Capacitor or a TARDIS.

"and this is with Kobe going 1-10 in the first half"- Yet his team mates had the Lakers up by 5 anyways. You do realize basketball is a team sport, right?

"If any of you think the Celts actually have a shot at winning ever again this season, good luck! Lakers in 5." - Yes, there's no way the Celtics will ever be able to play solid defense in the second half of a game. Except the 12 times it happened previously in the playoffs. Whoops!

"I think I saw Pierce's vaj bag when he got wheelchaired of the court"- You would be looking for that, Don Juan. Also, there's no such word as "wheelchaired".

I've said it once, I'll say it again: there needs to be some sort of test for cognitive ability given before you post on the internet. It also proves that my last vituperative rant was completely on target!