Wednesday, July 30, 2008

MST3K vs ennui

Here's an idea I came up with while waiting for the Red Sox to wake up and play baseball: Fun lines from Mystery Science Theatre 3000 you could yell at work to liven things up a little in the office. Before you get yourself fired.

Quotes to startle your co-workers:
"Hi-Keeba!" (Women from the Prehistoric Planet)
"Sampo!" (The Day the Earth Froze)
"Rowsdower?" (The Final Sacrifice)
"Adgka!" (The Incredible Melting Man)

Quotes to make your co-workers fear you:
"Knew your father, I did!" (Mr. B Natural)
"Who's to tell me to blow if I don't want to?" (The Brain that Wouldn't Die)
"Time for go to bed now!" (the Unearthly)
"I killed that fat barkeep!" (the Beatniks)

"Hahahahahahaha- YOU'RE STUCK HERE!" (Fugitive Alien)
"Why don't you leave us alone?" (Manos: the Hands of Fate)
"What sin could a man commit in a single lifetime to bring this upon himself?" (the Amazing Colossal Man)

Happy Songs:
"Rock and Roll Martian! Rock and Roll Martian!" (Merln's Shop of Mystical Wonders)
"I sing whenever I sing whenever I sing..." (the Giant Gila Monster)
"Night train to Mundo Fine!" (Red Zone Cuba)
"This is the song written for the train chase/this is the chase/Rocky and Ken/he tried to kill me with a forklift!/ Ole!" (Fugitive Alien)

Things to make your co-workers think you're insane:
"This is where the fish live." (Touch of Satan)
"Christmas is the day Craig was born so very long ago" (Santa Claus)
"No one on earth will ever believe Santa Claus was captured by Martians!" (Santa Claus vs the Martians)

Sunday, July 27, 2008

Happy Shark Week!

Thank you Discovery Channel.

Friday, July 25, 2008

Enough is enough...

...of my lack of blogging.

Well put.

...and I can't believe I just linked to the Boston Metro! Well, this has been an odd season. The writer of this article does have an excellent point. Enough is enough with the endless Manny debate. Both sides of the Manny debate are just grasping at straws at this point and it's more than a little embarrassing.

Another good point

Excusing the complete pomposity of this article (you're above singing "Sweet Caroline" and the Wave? Well, aren't you superior!), he's absolutely right. The "Yankees Suck" chant is idiotic and needs to be retired immediately. No, I don't secretly like the Yankees. But I would rather hear "Let's Go Red Sox." Because our identifying feature as Red Sox fans should be liking the team - not hating our arch-enemies. Besides, the chant reeks of jealousy. And since 2004, why would we possibly be jealous of them? It's time to grow up...

Monday, July 14, 2008

Sox at the break

When I do make predictions, they tend to be wrong, so I'll avoid that temptation. But I would like to say that nothing has been decided by this week of baseball.
When we began the week, the Rays were up by 5 games. Now, largely due to the fact that Tampa Bay is only slightly less incompetent a road team than the Red Sox, the Rays are half a game down. I said last week that the Rays and their "cute" four game league meant nothing. I will say this week that the Red Sox and their tinier half a game lead are just as irrelevant. I expect Tampa Bay to go on a run when they get back home and the Red Sox to continue to struggle on the road. I also expect the BePinstriped Ones to get back into the race and create a three way struggle for the AL East. I wouldn't even put it past the Orioles to get hot.

This could be a very very entertaining second half if four teams can compete for one or two playoff spots.

Tuesday, July 8, 2008

The Schmooze

My all time favorite sports talk personality is Steve Sommers out of WFAN in New York. He's funny, articulate, has the ability to put up with a lot of crap from opposing fan (and as a Rangers and Mets fan, he puts up with a great deal) and is generally superior to the most of the on air talent on WEEI in Boston - at least in my opinion. I base this observation on an incident that happened on Saturday.

Steve Sommers was taking phone calls during his usual insanely varied schedule (he tends to be on the air whenever they can squeeze him in) and one of the dumber fans I've ever heard called him. He described himself as an "ex" Yankees fan who had abandoned the team a few years ago before because he didn't like the way the team management was treating Joe Torre and he was sick of Hank Steinbrenner's act. Rather than let him go on with his insane comment, Steve pointed out the logical fallacies in his argument (for example, George Steinbrenner's past misdeeds were even worse) without stooping to personal attacks.

Then I lost the signal. I went over to WEEI and subjected myself to the Mustard and Johnson show. It didn't take me very long to find someone even worse than the "ex" Yankee fan. Instead, we had an "ex" Red Sox fan who went on an 2 minute tirade about how much he hated the Red Sox and how much better things were when Yaz was around and how he was much more interested in his son's college baseball team. Rather than point out that he was an idiot, the two hosts let him rant. In fact, they seemed to egg him on I wanted to reach through the dashboard and strangle this moron and I was rather disappointed that the hosts didn't at least point out that he was a horrible fan - or at the very least hang up on him.

I understand that WEEI is immensely popular, that they are one of the highest rated radio stations in this region - if not the country. I also understand that letting nimrods and jackanapes make asses of themselves on the airwaves is successful business strategy - kind of like how the Romans used to feed people to the lions and stage epic battles for entertainment. Also, I am aware that listening to the Mustard and Johnson show doesn't give me a lot of moral high ground - it is referred to as "Yankee talk" for a reason. Still, I prefer the way Steve Sommers goes about his business and I would gladly trade an entire month of "Boston" sports talk for a 3-4 hour schmooze.

Sunday, July 6, 2008

Random thoughts about the Red Sox

Bandwagon Ahoy!Would someone please look at the calender? There we go: it's July.
This means that regardless of how the Red Sox (or any of their opponents) are playing, there's still a chance. I bring this up because I grow weary of panicky Red Sox fans, the unbelievably pessimistic bunch who have replaced our usually cocky friends from the Bronx, and the nouveau rich Rays "fans" who are printing up World Series tickets already that NOTHING has been decided. It's July. If you don't believe how inconsequential the standings are at this point in the season, please find a Mets fan and ask him or her about last year. This is a marathon, not a sprint. Hooray for Tampa Bay and their impressive start, but its means nothing unless they can carry this into September and October. The Ray's fan base (who didn't exist prior to July, apparently) will again be purely mythical if they're lack of experience ever catches up with them. I'm sorry - I'm not impressed by a week where the Rays roll over the Marlins, Pirates, the Lowell Spinners team impersonating the Red Sox and the Kansas City Royals. That's what Tampa Bay is supposed to do with that collection of teams.

Pink Hats I have two problems with the so called "Pink Hats" and only two. 1. Pink is not a color of the Boston Red Sox. It is not a color of any major sports team - with the possible exception of Juventus. 2. Jason Variteck is not going to have sex with you.
Other than that, we're completely cool.
I love it how the media is trying to spin the friction between the Red Sox diehards who predate the massive post 2004 bandwagon and their new bizarrely colored opponents in Red Sox "nation" as some form of sexism rearing it's ugly head. In fact, I think the real friction is between the people who had to go through the late forties, 1967, 1975, 1978, 1986, the abysmal playoff series in 1988, 1990, 1995, and 1998, and the cataclysmic stupidity in 2003 and the late comers who have latched on to the "Nation" silliness or whatever the Rem Dog is selling this week. While it's fun to pose Wally the Green Monster in different positions or vote for the president of Red Sox "Nation", none of this has a thing to do with rooting for the Boston Red Sox. Can we please get back to supporting the baseball team and stifle any talk of us being a "nation" and not a fan base? No wonder everyone now hates us; how presumptuous it is for Red Sox fans - or anyone else! - to describe their rooting experience as nationhood! While rooting for a team should be fun, baseball is an enjoyable enough sport to follow on it's own merits without the additional silliness. This is a sport. Not a lifestyle.
Part of the problem is that because I root for all four "Boston teams", I can not lavish all of my time and energy on the Boston Red Sox. I root for the seemingly (ouch) invincible Patriots just as hard as I do for the hapless Bruins. You can follow four sports at one time - this is what prevents me from growing obsessed about the Sox to the point where I would join in whatever silly pink or green capped "Nation" the marketing division at Fenway is jamming down our throats this week. And it is marketing. I hate to say this, but isn't this faux "nationhood" deal the reason why everyone hates Cowboys fans?

MannyManny should have been forced to sit down for one game following his altercation with the traveling press secretary. The end. He should not have been traded, kicked off the team, put on waivers, arrested, or beaten up by the press secretary's family. The discussion of Manny's punishment was a lovely attempt to distract us from the five game losing streak, but it was a transparent one. I grow weary of the reflexive Manny bashing on the part of the Usual Gang of Idiots at WEEI.

The good old days I also tire of the grumpy old man segment of Red Sox fans (first in queue is the arch-masochist Angry Bill who has been whining and carrying on since 2004 in an apparent desire to resurrect Bucky Bleeping Dent or whatever tragedy it is he'd like to revisit) who have been moaning about the team since Yaz retired in 1983. That's a long time to hold a grudge. Besides, if you want to root for a hopeless case, you have the Bruins. The anti-hockey establishment in Boston is almost as hopelessly pathetic as the frauds who hate the "new" Red Sox for selling out. I'd love to be ignorant enough to accuse the Red Sox of selling out. Tom Yawkey's teams of the 40's and 50's were always the highest paid in baseball. And let's not sugar coat the fact that the Sox were the last team in baseball to integrate. Yeah, nothing like 86 years of misery, overpaid prima donnas, and racism to make one nostalgic, right?

I hate to sound arrogant, but I like it when my team wins a championship. It's a satisfying way for my loyalty to be repaid. If you don't know why, please understand that rooting for PC hockey makes me appreciate these things far more than I would otherwise. How can you get spoiled when you root for the Boston Bruins?

Wednesday, July 2, 2008

Coming attractions!

I've had some great ideas for blog posts lately, some of which I'll get to:

-I really need to do that Journey/Styxx/Foreigner Battle Royal I promised. I'll get to it eventually. Don't stop believing... (I couldn't resist)

- Joe Fitzgerald from the Boston Herald needs a visit from Charlie Chaplin following his asinine comments about George Carlin's lack of "decency". Apparently, using seven words you can't say on the air is indecent, but choosing the event of someone's death to bring up people's potty mouths is okay? I really don't think so.

- More complaining about WEEI's uselessness. The Red Sox are slumping badly, so why all the reflexive Manny bashing? Actually, I might not need to do this.

-Where should Jenny and I go on our honeymoon? My ideas on the subject will follow.

The Mantra of Red Sox fans

This happens every year.
This happens every year.
This happens every year.
This happens every year.
This happens every year.
This happens every year.
This happens every year.
This happens every year.
This happens every year.
This happens every year.