Friday, August 22, 2008

Patriots football 2008: EVIL!

Let's face it: due to a variety of reasons, the New England Patriots are the most hated team in professional sports. True, many of these reasons are infantile, overblown and agonizingly dimwitted, but we do live a country where Paris Hilton was allowed to gain ascendancy. My proposal is this: instead of whining about how everyone hates, I say we embrace it! If we're going to root for the most hated team in America, let's give bovine America a show! Here are some ideas I've come up with.

1. Change the team's colors to black: black helmets, black shirts, black pants, black cleats, black everything. Instead of the Flying Elvis logo, put in an inverted Satanic pentagram. Also in black.

2. Patriots cheerleaders should now wear black bondage wear.

3. Convince Bill Belichick to wear a top hat and monocle along with the hoodie. He should also grow a long mustache he can twirl while cackling malevolently.

4. After each game, Tom Brady should threaten to steal the girlfriends and wives of the viewers at home.

5. Have Randy Moss embark on an automotive rampage. Pay him an extra million dollars for each pedestrian he runs over. And it goes without saying he should be blasting Judas Priest's "Breaking the Law" while he does this.

6. Patriots fans should begin communicating with each other on message boards and email by writing backwards.

7. Teddy Bruschi should begin wearing Heath Ledger's Joker makeup. On a similar promotional tie in, after sacking the quarterback, Richard Seymour should flip a coin to decide whether the QB lives or dies.

8. The Kraft family needs to cultivate Mafia ties. Then they need to wrap a dead fish in newspaper and send an Old Sicilian Message to our friends in Bristol CT.

9. Begin suing everyone who lamely accuses the Patriots of cheating for intellectual property rights. It should be noted that this strategy worked very well for Metallica.

10. One player on the team needs to start talking like Emperor Palpatine from Star Wars. The punter is a good option.

11. The Patriots organization forms a massive axis of evil with the New York Yankees, LA Lakers, Detroit Red Wings, Duke basketball, whichever SEC football team is winning right now and Gopher hockey. This Legion of Doom should visit other evil teams from around the globe (Manchester United and Real Madrid spring to mind) and consolidate their perfidy. Then they blackmail the UN with some sort of doomsday device.

12. Finally, each time the Giants or Jets lose Patriots fans (all of us) need to call up WFAN and laugh malevolently.

See, there are ways of dealing with the hostility of the American public that will provide all of us with endless entertainment! Remember, nothing is more amusing than goofy cartoonish super villainy! Hail Sata- er, Belichick!

1 comment:

Jenny Bean said...

I always promote the growing of melodramatic facial hair. Begin twirling mustaches!