Another modest proposal for WEEI: There's no whining in sports

Every once in a while, I offer my advice (and the implied threat of feline vandalism) to WEEI in hopes that they will take my advice and remain the Number One Sports Station in America. Or at least remain in the top five in one demographic. This time, I feel that a tiny bit of pruning of a short 10 minutes of WEEI's broadcasting would do a world of good. To whit:

I frequently question the thought processes of New England sports fans - both on this blog that no one except Mark reads and in real life - but never more so than the adoration that people have for the Big Show's Whiner Line. For those of you lucky enough to have never heard the Whiner Line, you've probably heard something like it. Basically, the Whiner Line is a "random" catalog of saved voice mails that are supposed to be funny or entertaining. Yes, the same format that exists in every single radio market in North America exists in Boston* (seven times over). And as in the case with the other Whiner Lines, it's not quite as funny as people think. It needs improvement, and I'm here to help.

Why am I so anti Whiner Line? Because all the "whines" fall into five basic categories:

1. Making fun of the hosts. Usually over something said earlier in the show when most of us poor fools are working at our "jobs". If I ever find myself listening to the Big Show at 2 PM for more than 2 days at a time, shoot me. This is supposed to be really funny "meta" humor. Like the "Simpsons", I guess. Except for the fact that Steve Burton laughing like an castrated hyena at 3PM wasn't funny the first time.

2. Off topic political commentary. As if the the morning show wasn't enough, now we have to hear the listeners go off in the same NON-SPORTS tangents. What, can you not get WRKO or WTTK where you live? And if you can't please let me know where you live so I can move there. Commercial talk radio blows. This is why people are driven to NPR.

3. Unfunny song parodies. I'm sure comparing Fred Smerlas to Domenic the Donkey was funny the first time... oh wait. It was never funny.

4. The same five or six idiots giving us their stupid catchphrases. Especially the "Fat Bastard" guy and the Man on the Way Up. If you've heard the Whiner Line, I don't need to say anything else.

5. Actually funny comments that have something to do with sports. Usually happens about twice a show.

As you can see, there a bit of pruning to be done here so we may have the best Whiner Line possible.

My first advice would be to get rid of celebrity callers. For example, Frank from Gloucester calling up and leaving a message about how awesome Glen Ordway is and how he's friends with people who run the Celtics? No one cares. I also don't care that Glen is a "Fat bastard". The schtick is old. And if you really hate the Man on the Way Up so much, stop putting him on the air. It's a simple concept, but it goes a long way. Since most of the "celebrities" are the ones doing awful song parodies, referencing things I didn't hear because I was working, making fun of hosts and whining about liberals, this will speed things up dramatically. These twits shouldn't be on the air period. If they think like the hosts, they should get their own shows. Again, I'm glad to help.

Secondly, ban "Fred the Christmas Donkey" immediately. In fact, ban all music. None of these people will ever be confused with Weird Al. And it will prevent Fred from snapping and killing us all with his bare hands.

Third, set a time limit on these whines. The joke shouldn't require more than 20 seconds of set up time.

Fourth, plenty of amusing things happen in sports. Every day! It shouldn't be necessary to hear a plummer from Everett opine on Pete Sheppard's weight, the weather or whether or not Barack Obama is a communist. What team do they play for? If I wanted that, I'd listen to the morning show. I don't.

Fifth, the Whiney Awards? Stop them. Calling in to a radio show should never net you an award. For any reason.

Hopefully, WEEI will take my advice and the Big Show will continue to be the best program on the station. Okay, maybe the second best, but that's only when Mike Adams isn't fixated on players from the LA Freakin' Dodgers.



*Just to add another layer of awfulness to the proceedings, the Big Show apparently ripped this idea off from Charlie's old pal Howie the Hostage and his Chump Line. Howie ripped the idea off from about 3,000 other people. Of course, the Big Show and the Hostage can't stand each other. This largely because Howie hates all things sports. It also might have something to do with the Hostage absconding with the Big Show's food (this proves two things: a. Howie is a jackanape of epic proportions and b. never steal food from fat guys). Why the Big show needs more food is another problem. If you donated all the food the Big O and company eat to the Sudan, there would be no hunger.


BTW: Sorry, this will be the last time my blog entry has a footnote.

Last word on Manny (for a while)...

The Sports Guy (gasp!) gets it right

I don't often give Bill Simmons credit, but he is right on this issue. Scott Boras has a LOT to answer for. Or, Manny is bi-polar. Either explanation works.

I particularly like the snarky comment about the Globe/NESN/WEEI/WRKO regurgitating the company line. Tee hee.

I apologize for the lack of snark here, but as a married man, I have to start acting like a grown up. (kidding!)

Random thoughts on the post-Manny era:

Here's some more random crap that has been rolling around my head:

-While there's a huge sigh of relief from the Red Sox clubhouse, I have to wonder if they can really legitimately blame the incompetence of the past fortnight on Manny's infantile behavior. I understand his behavior was awful, but how does that explain why the pitching was horrendous? What we saw was a breakdown on every level - not just the one at left field. At some point, the Red Sox have to be held accountable for their overall crappiness. But as usual, it's easier to bash Manny than it is to criticize the organization. The Red Sox have done a magnificent job at positive public relations, but Mannygate still smacks of a distraction.

-And while we're on the subject, whether or not the Manny trade was a success remains to be seen. I can't stomache any more "addition by subtraction" talk, especially with the team in 4-12 death spiral. I hope Jason Bay can hit 3 home runs a game and pitch out of the bullpen, because that's pretty much what the team needs right now.

-As you can tell from my last blog entry, I've been on a bit of a MST3K kick lately. I can only hope that Rhino starts releasing more episodes sooner rather than label. In particular, it would be nice to see my two favorite Sci-Fi Channel era episodes - "Final Sacrifice" and "Riding with Death". I really want to see if Rowsdower can catch the elusive Robert Denby.

-Jenny and I will be camping this weekend. I can only hope we do not run afoul of any badgers.

-I don't think I can still link to this, but I read the stupidest article in the Wall Street Journal last week. It compared George W Bush to Batman. Honestly.

-Speaking of stupidity, when Michael Savage dies, I have a feeling he'll be watching "Rain Man" for all of eternity.

-Someone place Brett Favre under house arrest. It's tough to miss someone when they won't go away...

-Oh no! Another ex-Patriots employee has come out of the woodworks and made insane ad hominem attacks and unprovable allegations! Hopefully someone will call Gregg Easterbrook and advise him that he needs to put aside his attempts at the Grand Unified Theory of Physics to write another Dostoyevskiesque essay on how Belichik is the father of all that is unholy.

Enough is enough...

...of my lack of blogging.

Well put.

...and I can't believe I just linked to the Boston Metro! Well, this has been an odd season. The writer of this article does have an excellent point. Enough is enough with the endless Manny debate. Both sides of the Manny debate are just grasping at straws at this point and it's more than a little embarrassing.

Another good point

Excusing the complete pomposity of this article (you're above singing "Sweet Caroline" and the Wave? Well, aren't you superior!), he's absolutely right. The "Yankees Suck" chant is idiotic and needs to be retired immediately. No, I don't secretly like the Yankees. But I would rather hear "Let's Go Red Sox." Because our identifying feature as Red Sox fans should be liking the team - not hating our arch-enemies. Besides, the chant reeks of jealousy. And since 2004, why would we possibly be jealous of them? It's time to grow up...

Random thoughts about the Red Sox

Bandwagon Ahoy!Would someone please look at the calender? There we go: it's July.
This means that regardless of how the Red Sox (or any of their opponents) are playing, there's still a chance. I bring this up because I grow weary of panicky Red Sox fans, the unbelievably pessimistic bunch who have replaced our usually cocky friends from the Bronx, and the nouveau rich Rays "fans" who are printing up World Series tickets already that NOTHING has been decided. It's July. If you don't believe how inconsequential the standings are at this point in the season, please find a Mets fan and ask him or her about last year. This is a marathon, not a sprint. Hooray for Tampa Bay and their impressive start, but its means nothing unless they can carry this into September and October. The Ray's fan base (who didn't exist prior to July, apparently) will again be purely mythical if they're lack of experience ever catches up with them. I'm sorry - I'm not impressed by a week where the Rays roll over the Marlins, Pirates, the Lowell Spinners team impersonating the Red Sox and the Kansas City Royals. That's what Tampa Bay is supposed to do with that collection of teams.

Pink Hats I have two problems with the so called "Pink Hats" and only two. 1. Pink is not a color of the Boston Red Sox. It is not a color of any major sports team - with the possible exception of Juventus. 2. Jason Variteck is not going to have sex with you.
Other than that, we're completely cool.
I love it how the media is trying to spin the friction between the Red Sox diehards who predate the massive post 2004 bandwagon and their new bizarrely colored opponents in Red Sox "nation" as some form of sexism rearing it's ugly head. In fact, I think the real friction is between the people who had to go through the late forties, 1967, 1975, 1978, 1986, the abysmal playoff series in 1988, 1990, 1995, and 1998, and the cataclysmic stupidity in 2003 and the late comers who have latched on to the "Nation" silliness or whatever the Rem Dog is selling this week. While it's fun to pose Wally the Green Monster in different positions or vote for the president of Red Sox "Nation", none of this has a thing to do with rooting for the Boston Red Sox. Can we please get back to supporting the baseball team and stifle any talk of us being a "nation" and not a fan base? No wonder everyone now hates us; how presumptuous it is for Red Sox fans - or anyone else! - to describe their rooting experience as nationhood! While rooting for a team should be fun, baseball is an enjoyable enough sport to follow on it's own merits without the additional silliness. This is a sport. Not a lifestyle.
Part of the problem is that because I root for all four "Boston teams", I can not lavish all of my time and energy on the Boston Red Sox. I root for the seemingly (ouch) invincible Patriots just as hard as I do for the hapless Bruins. You can follow four sports at one time - this is what prevents me from growing obsessed about the Sox to the point where I would join in whatever silly pink or green capped "Nation" the marketing division at Fenway is jamming down our throats this week. And it is marketing. I hate to say this, but isn't this faux "nationhood" deal the reason why everyone hates Cowboys fans?

MannyManny should have been forced to sit down for one game following his altercation with the traveling press secretary. The end. He should not have been traded, kicked off the team, put on waivers, arrested, or beaten up by the press secretary's family. The discussion of Manny's punishment was a lovely attempt to distract us from the five game losing streak, but it was a transparent one. I grow weary of the reflexive Manny bashing on the part of the Usual Gang of Idiots at WEEI.

The good old days I also tire of the grumpy old man segment of Red Sox fans (first in queue is the arch-masochist Angry Bill who has been whining and carrying on since 2004 in an apparent desire to resurrect Bucky Bleeping Dent or whatever tragedy it is he'd like to revisit) who have been moaning about the team since Yaz retired in 1983. That's a long time to hold a grudge. Besides, if you want to root for a hopeless case, you have the Bruins. The anti-hockey establishment in Boston is almost as hopelessly pathetic as the frauds who hate the "new" Red Sox for selling out. I'd love to be ignorant enough to accuse the Red Sox of selling out. Tom Yawkey's teams of the 40's and 50's were always the highest paid in baseball. And let's not sugar coat the fact that the Sox were the last team in baseball to integrate. Yeah, nothing like 86 years of misery, overpaid prima donnas, and racism to make one nostalgic, right?

I hate to sound arrogant, but I like it when my team wins a championship. It's a satisfying way for my loyalty to be repaid. If you don't know why, please understand that rooting for PC hockey makes me appreciate these things far more than I would otherwise. How can you get spoiled when you root for the Boston Bruins?

The Mantra of Red Sox fans

This happens every year.
This happens every year.
This happens every year.
This happens every year.
This happens every year.
This happens every year.
This happens every year.
This happens every year.
This happens every year.
This happens every year.