Another modest proposal for WEEI: There's no whining in sports

Every once in a while, I offer my advice (and the implied threat of feline vandalism) to WEEI in hopes that they will take my advice and remain the Number One Sports Station in America. Or at least remain in the top five in one demographic. This time, I feel that a tiny bit of pruning of a short 10 minutes of WEEI's broadcasting would do a world of good. To whit:

I frequently question the thought processes of New England sports fans - both on this blog that no one except Mark reads and in real life - but never more so than the adoration that people have for the Big Show's Whiner Line. For those of you lucky enough to have never heard the Whiner Line, you've probably heard something like it. Basically, the Whiner Line is a "random" catalog of saved voice mails that are supposed to be funny or entertaining. Yes, the same format that exists in every single radio market in North America exists in Boston* (seven times over). And as in the case with the other Whiner Lines, it's not quite as funny as people think. It needs improvement, and I'm here to help.

Why am I so anti Whiner Line? Because all the "whines" fall into five basic categories:

1. Making fun of the hosts. Usually over something said earlier in the show when most of us poor fools are working at our "jobs". If I ever find myself listening to the Big Show at 2 PM for more than 2 days at a time, shoot me. This is supposed to be really funny "meta" humor. Like the "Simpsons", I guess. Except for the fact that Steve Burton laughing like an castrated hyena at 3PM wasn't funny the first time.

2. Off topic political commentary. As if the the morning show wasn't enough, now we have to hear the listeners go off in the same NON-SPORTS tangents. What, can you not get WRKO or WTTK where you live? And if you can't please let me know where you live so I can move there. Commercial talk radio blows. This is why people are driven to NPR.

3. Unfunny song parodies. I'm sure comparing Fred Smerlas to Domenic the Donkey was funny the first time... oh wait. It was never funny.

4. The same five or six idiots giving us their stupid catchphrases. Especially the "Fat Bastard" guy and the Man on the Way Up. If you've heard the Whiner Line, I don't need to say anything else.

5. Actually funny comments that have something to do with sports. Usually happens about twice a show.

As you can see, there a bit of pruning to be done here so we may have the best Whiner Line possible.

My first advice would be to get rid of celebrity callers. For example, Frank from Gloucester calling up and leaving a message about how awesome Glen Ordway is and how he's friends with people who run the Celtics? No one cares. I also don't care that Glen is a "Fat bastard". The schtick is old. And if you really hate the Man on the Way Up so much, stop putting him on the air. It's a simple concept, but it goes a long way. Since most of the "celebrities" are the ones doing awful song parodies, referencing things I didn't hear because I was working, making fun of hosts and whining about liberals, this will speed things up dramatically. These twits shouldn't be on the air period. If they think like the hosts, they should get their own shows. Again, I'm glad to help.

Secondly, ban "Fred the Christmas Donkey" immediately. In fact, ban all music. None of these people will ever be confused with Weird Al. And it will prevent Fred from snapping and killing us all with his bare hands.

Third, set a time limit on these whines. The joke shouldn't require more than 20 seconds of set up time.

Fourth, plenty of amusing things happen in sports. Every day! It shouldn't be necessary to hear a plummer from Everett opine on Pete Sheppard's weight, the weather or whether or not Barack Obama is a communist. What team do they play for? If I wanted that, I'd listen to the morning show. I don't.

Fifth, the Whiney Awards? Stop them. Calling in to a radio show should never net you an award. For any reason.

Hopefully, WEEI will take my advice and the Big Show will continue to be the best program on the station. Okay, maybe the second best, but that's only when Mike Adams isn't fixated on players from the LA Freakin' Dodgers.



*Just to add another layer of awfulness to the proceedings, the Big Show apparently ripped this idea off from Charlie's old pal Howie the Hostage and his Chump Line. Howie ripped the idea off from about 3,000 other people. Of course, the Big Show and the Hostage can't stand each other. This largely because Howie hates all things sports. It also might have something to do with the Hostage absconding with the Big Show's food (this proves two things: a. Howie is a jackanape of epic proportions and b. never steal food from fat guys). Why the Big show needs more food is another problem. If you donated all the food the Big O and company eat to the Sudan, there would be no hunger.


BTW: Sorry, this will be the last time my blog entry has a footnote.

Trash talking and competence do not go hand in hand

Knicks object to Celtics' trash talking

Are you kidding me? Are the Knicks the dumbest team in the NBA? You get beat by the defending NBA Champions playing WITHOUT Kevin Garnett and the first thing out of your mouths is that the Celtics are trash talking? Give me a break.

When you lose, then is not the time to complain about what the other team is saying about you. That would be the time to take a look in the mirror and find out what you need to do to NOT lose next time.

It's like when the losing team complains about running up the score or the "class" of fans or a "dirty hit". That's not the story. The story is, you lost.

Cripes, when did North American athletes start emulating whiny European golfers? I think trash talking is dumb, but stop trying to distract people from your ineptitude. If Brian Scalabrine is knocking down threes, you have a problem.

Early morning in Roslindale: Radio choices

As many of you have figured out, I'm constantly waging a battle between whether or not to listen to my CD player or the radio. Given that I'm not about to lavish money on satellite radio just so I can listen to Howard Stern (uh, no), it's either the CD player or the radio for me. So let's match up my CD player with my radio listening options:

"The Takeaway"(NPR)- Maybe it's just me, but I keep hoping an on air brawl takes place between John Hockenberry, Adaora Udoji, and Femi Oki (who has the best name! Let us decide using the Wu Tang Sword Style!). It would certainly make the pledge drives more exciting.
Versus Jon's CD Player: Doesn't matter, since it only runs until 7 and I'm usually not in my car by that point.

"Morning Edition" (umm, also NPR): It's NPR. It's there. Like a comfortable pair of shoes.
Versus Jon's CD Player: Jon's CD player in a walk

"The Tom Finneran Show"(WRKO): Except for Red Sox games, WRKO is so utterly useless it defies description. To counteract the fact that they have the completely irrelevant Rush Limbaugh and the Pink Hamster on their station, WRKO decided to hire the poster boy of entrenched liberal power. And his show is just as awful as every other piece of excrement on this station. Good to see them stay fair and balanced.
Versus Jon's CD Player: Jon's CD player. The only way I could listen to this show would be if I was in a coma

"Opie and Anthony" (WBCN): The caveat is I'm basically listening to hear Jimmy Norton make fun of people. He's hilarious. Opie and Anthony aren't bad, but Norton doesn't get enough credit. Patrice is a riot too.
Versus Jon's CD Player: O and A, depending on who is on

"the Sandbox" (WFNX): Kind of like a more upbeat, happier version of the Toucher and Rich Show. And they play music! Granted, it's not always music I like (please STOP whoring for Coldplay), but it's music.
Versus Jon's CD Player: The radio. Unless it's Coldplay (again)

"Mike and Mike"(ESPN): Hey, it's average guys! Who like sports! What a concept!
Versus Jon's CD Player: The CD player. If I want average people discussing sports, I'll just talk to myself. Hey, I already do!

"Dennis and Callahan"(WEEI): Sometimes, you want to hear about sports. However, I never really want to hear whining about late games, running up the score, Manny bashing, liberal bashing and golf at 7 in the morning. Sorry. However, if they're on vacation, the show really isn't that bad!
Versus Jon's CD Player: The CD player runs up the score like Belichick here

"Imus" (wherever he ended up): His voice would make a sea cucumber murderous.
Versus Jon's CD Player: Take a wild guess.

"Hillman morning show" (WAAF): An awful collision of no music, bad parody songs, whiny self important liberal bashing, the atrocity known as "Mantown" and Spazz - the worst person I've ever heard on radio. Imagine someone as annoying as Mister Opportunity and as stupid as a Adolfo with the worst Boston accent ever. I shudder to think of listening to this for more than five minutes.
Versus Jon's CD Player: CD player. I like music!

"Jazz!" (the Harvard station. Wherever that is...)- Unfortunately, I'm all jazzed out by the time I go to bed in the evening. Thanks to Eric... in the evening. Sorry.
Versus Jon's CD Player: CD player, assuming it's not more jazz

Rant of the week: Jon is a slacker!

I apologize for the fact that there was no rant of the week last week.

I know that no one was looking for one, but I will not offer that as an excuse.

Now, here is what Providence needs to do to advance to the TD Banknorth Garden:

Score a ****ing goal: The only thing worse than being swept by BU is being swept by BU without scoring a goal. Unbelievable. I understand that the Terriers have turned around their horrible goaltending from earlier this year, but not scoring a single goal is still unacceptable. Obviously, PC needs to score goals to win in this series.

Improve on the powerplay: This ties into the above point, but if you want to jump start your offense, you have to figure out a way to score on the power play. The play did improve in the 2-0 loss at BU, but not enough to score a goal, obviously.

Shut down Nathan Gerbe: This might be the tallest task of all (no pun intended) because Gerbe is by far the most talented player on the ice for both teams. Tyler Sims came up HUGE against Gerbe in the season series and shut him down of a few odd man rushes in the 2-2 tie at the Coffin. If they can keep this up, PC gives themselves a chance to advance.

Be Opportunistic: BC made some horrible horrible defensive and goaltending gaffs in the season series. PC needs to pounce on these.

Weather the storm: As the game goes on, BC's advantage is talent becomes more obvious. PC HAS to build up a big enough lead - or have enough in reserve- to weather these third period surges. BC's dominance in the first few years of Army's reign was due to PC running out of gas at the end of the game.

Stay out of the box: Self explanatory.

Whatever you did in the first two games at Conte, repeat: This was a good matchup for PC this year. There's no reason why that success can't be repeated. Except for the fact that God hates PC athletics and He enjoys mocking us.

Further Rants:
-The Bruins made no trades before the deadline, and the fan base has been rewarded with one of the most PATHETIC ongoing string of hockey games I've ever seen. Eight goals in eight games? Sigh.

-Kevin Walsh has as much "dirt" on the Patriots as I have on Paris Hilton. Someone smash ESPN on the head with the bowling ball and tell them to stop talking about story where the proof is "hidden". What next ESPN? A startling expose on Bigfoot?

-I can not for the life of me imagine Kevin Garnett kicking back at night and chilling out to Phil Collins. Sorry, I can't see it...

-Was that the end of Tim Welsh? Or is there something even worse on the horizon for PC's basketball team. Incidentally, if UCONN is really that good, would they have lost to the Lame Duck Friars TWICE?!?!?

-Are people really freaking out about the Red Sox struggling through spring training? Honestly?

-Bobby Knight on ESPN last night actually did a pretty good job. I'm just waiting for him to throw a chair at Digger Phelps' head.

-I've given props to the WCHA Whining Blog before and I'll do it again. I'd say we need a Hockey East version of that blog, but since UNH Fans were chosen as a "whiner of the week" that idea might be redundant. Still, I can't see the recent winner - a MSU-M player who went after one of his own fans - being beaten any time soon.

-Lock up your women and children! The Pinheads MIGHT be back!

-Now that the Hockey East regular season is at an end, I can say unequivocally that "Jack Parker is a man of many jackets" is the best Bob Norton quote of the year.

-I know nothing about Joe Bertagna's religious life, but I have to feel he's praying for UNH, BU, UVM and BC to get to the Gahden next weekend. And I'm hoping just as hard for the opposite.

Rant of the Week: End of February, end of the road?

I suppose the good news is that I survived.

PC's tourney hopes might not have survived however. With one piddly win over last place Merrimack, the Friars could have - should have - moved a step closer to home ice.
That did not happen and now the Friars are stuck in a tie for fifth place.
It is difficult to say what went wrong (everything) and more difficult to say what PC needs to do now (something different?). Clearly, whatever the team has been doing since that OT win over Vermont is not working now. The end of February is a horrible time to start trying something new, but I fear this season might be over prematurely if something doesn't change soon.

(see, now THAT is pessimism!)

Random Rants:
-The Bruins are red hot. The Celtics have regained their momentum. This is good because I could not care less about Spring Training. Spring Training is right up there with the women's Final Four, the Boston Marathon (I always have to work that day!), the NFL Draft and the World Series of Poker as the "sporting" events I care least about. Baseball does not really begin until opening day.

-Tip for ESPN; if you're going to cover poker on your "sports" channel, you should probably just bite the bullet and cover the WWE as well. Actually, pro wrestling requires much more athleticism than sitting around and staring a cards for 3 hours so maybe the "fake" sport is more real than the crap ESPN has been deluging us with for the past 3 years. Depressing, isn't it?

-While I'm dishing out free advice, congress needs to go back to the business of running our country. Actually, given how poorly our government works, maybe they should stick to steroids and Spygate. Because the economy, Iraq and the environment are clearly beyond their puny intellects.

-I love the idea of a blog dedicated to complaining about WCHA fans! I also enjoy getting a shout out over here: WCHA Whiners blog
And yes, I do think I can compete in this! Nobody is crankier than me! No one! Can you hear me?!! Hahahaha!

-Well, maybe this is competition: Tech Hockey Blog (MTU) (I still think I'm whinnier than MeanEgirl. See, this is the way my ego works - "I'm WAY lamer than you!" Sigh.)

-And this: UML Blog (I don't think he's whining, but he ain't happy)

-And while we're on the subject, if your blog is about WCHA whining, why would you let UNH fans win? Huh?

-Hi Mar- oh, forget it!

Does anyone remember gooning?

Once upon a time, games involving New Hampshire and Providence College, involved lots of cheap shots, controversy, and a lot of complaining. Unfortunately, when Paul Pooley left the PC bench, this evaporated. To be brutally honest, Pooley's teams were exceedingly undisciplined. And UNH fans were much much whinier. Hence the drama. Two incidents stand out: the handshake brawl in 1997 and Jason Platt introducing a mouthy Colin Hemmingway to the glass at the Coffin in 2002. Thus was a great - if irritatingly one sided rivalry born!

Sadly, this is no longer the case. Providence College is now the second least penalized team in Hockey East. New Hampshire is - stunningly - the most penalized team in the conference. the Skating Mother Theresas are now the Skating Goons. You'd think there would be more made of this. But since there aren't that many PC fans on the interenet to begin with, you're never going to get the depth of whining that you'd hear at the Whittemore Center. While I'm certainly no fan of the officiating in Hockey East, I'd be hard pressed to blame any of PC's losses this year on the ref's (okay, maybe the tie at Merrimack was the fault of the officials as PC had two goals called off because the ref was 50 feet away from the net, but that's the most you'll get out of me). The roles are reversed, but not really.

What is important than the perception of goonery is that PC's PWR fell enough to disqualify them from the NCAA tournament. Apparently, UVM - who looked pretty solid from my vantage point - did not count as a quality loss. Losing a game to UNH wouldn't hurt quite as much. If PC can get a split, they could be back in business. It will be difficult to pull off a win, but not impossible. PC might just pull this off after all. Just don't expect the rampatant goonery this series used to have. Unless its a parade of Kitties going to the box... Nice change, eh?

Random notes:
-As you can see, I decided NOT to mock the Beanpot for the second consecutive week. The only snoozer this year was NU/HU and BU did not win. Here's you're reward: non mockery.

-Somebody give the UML fans a hug.

-Tip for WCHA fans: Whining about every non-WCHA team ranked in the top 10 is moronic. It makes you look provincial and stupid and there's no possible way you can prove that Michigan or Miami or even UNH would finish in the middle of the WCHA. Because they wouldn't. I'm sorry, but now that I'm seeing WCHA games every weekend, I'm can't possibly see how the middle of the pack in that conference is vastly superior to everyone else. Especially now that Minnesota is terrible. I don't care how many "cupcakes" you think everyone else schedules. Anyone remember 2003 when the WCHA crowing that Cornell would finish below MTU in the WCHA led directly to the Big Red dismantling MSU-Mankato? Well, it happened. So there.

-Jon's favorite Celtic: Rajon Rondo.

-Tip for non-Giants fans crowing about the Super Bowl. Talk to me when your team even PLAYS in that game.

-Team to watch in the last month of the Hockey East season: BU. I don't like this scenario at all. Team to ignore: Maine. This is kind of funny, huh?

-Helping out PC recently: Michigan, Clarkson, Union.
Not helping: SLU, MSU (!), Brown
Not even remotely participating: Holy Cross
Yeah, I'm paying attention and I do hold a grudge.

-Football Club Northern Tiberon is going UP! Finally. after 5 years of trying to get out of division V, my Hattrick team (http://www.hattrick.org/) is finally getting promoted! And yes, I'm always open to playing a friendly or two. Ahem.

-Might I remind the two or three USCHO posters who keep telling me about Roboshark that this is MY imaginary robot shark best friend! Get your own! (just kidding. Roboshark is very real)

-Hi Mark! Okay, someone tell Mark I'm still doing these...