Somebody break a whole mess of computers part VI: Jason Takes Manhattan

For those of you who are coming to this blog for the first time... I apologize. Very sorry, I'll try to do better.

Seriously, for those of you who are new here, one of the running jokes in this blog is the destructive temperament of my cat, Charlie Chaplin. The only things my cat enjoys more than eating, my lap, and sleeping is destroying things. Sadly, his first victim was my computer. Since then, I've been trying to focus Charlie's destructive impulses for "good". "Good" in this case means destroying the computers of people who irritate me on the internet. (this is pretend of course. Charlie isn't allowed to leave the house, much less board a plane and start sabotaging other people's computers. I feel someone might take this is a serious threat. It's all in good fun, even if these people deserve it)

Here are Charlie's pending warrants of destruction and the status of those warrants:

-Bill O'Reilly: Reason for incurring my wrath? Writing the worst column known to man. Warrant status? Pardoned I've managed to avoid his awful writing for the better part of six months. The McCain defeat was punishment enough for him.

-Howie "The Hostage" Carr: Reason for incurring my wrath? Boring me to tears by writing about the same topic endlessly for 20 years and making me not care about government corruption at all. Bashing Patriots fans and gloating over Tom Brady's injury. Warrant status? pardoned Never followed up on his idiotic Brady bashing - probably because he was scared of Charlie. The defeat of his lady love (who can see Russia from her home!) was punishment enough.

-Gregg Easterbrook: Reason for incurring my wrath? Impersonating a Russian author. Warrant status? Oustanding I apologize to his editor for Charlie's lack of action. Imagine proofreading the Encyclopedia Britannica every week. Ouch!

-Phil Mushnick: Reason for incurring my wrath? Acting like the Bill O'Reilly of sports columnists. Mentioning pro-wrestling. Status of Warrant?Elevated Has been whinier than usual lately and has managed to stereotype all college athletes as criminals. Generalize much? Charlie needs to take out his monitor as well as his keyboard!

-Idiots on Youtube/ESPN: Reason for incurring my wrath? Being unable to spell, make a coherent thought, or function as a rational human being. Status of warrant? I'm sending Luca Brasi instead Add Boston.com to the list. These people need their computers smashed. I'm scared that I share oxygen with these jackanapes.

Here's the newest warrant for Charlie to take care of:

-Dan Shaugnessy: Reason for incurring my wrath? Writing a book about the Curse of the Bambino, thus perpetuating that curse non-sense. Writes about how every team in New England is going to win a championship... then changes his mind half way through the year and writes about how the teams suck. Say "Bye bye bye!" to your computer!

Somebody smash this man's keyboard...

I should really loan my cat out to people who need their computers destroyed. Case in point is FoxNews "personality" Bill O'Reilly. When we last heard from Mr. No Spin Zone, he was trying to tell us that he wasn't racist by musing that a restaurant in Harlem did not feature people screaming the f-word at the top of our lungs. Which of course is the reason why the Klan hates black people: they despise people who use obscenities. The whole shebang was lampooned mercilessly in the press (Opie and Anthony in particular had some fun at Bill's expense) and at the end of day, the problem isn't that it Bill O'Reilly is a racist - he probably isn't - he problem is that he used the lamest possible explanation that he isn't. It was even dumber than the old "some of my best friends are black people!" line because he had to use an idiotic stereotype (all African Americans scream motherf***er at random intervals, right?) to prove his completely unneccessary point. The lesson is: if you don't want people to think you're a racist DON'T TRY SO HARD.

Well, all that was good fun, but unfortunately, Mr. O'Reilly writes a weekly column that if anyone was paying attention, would be just as heavily parodied. In the most recent column http://www.billoreilly.com/currentarticle, he chastises the liberal media (this is always a sign that your column is going to suck) for not reporting on infighting in the Daily Kos between Hilary Clinton supporters and Barack Obama supporters. Here's the problem with Bill O'Reilly's column: does anyone really care what the Daily Kos has to say about anything? Aside from die hard liberals who already hate Hilary anyways? I mean, why would the general media pick up a story on what some lunatics from the far left have to say on their message boards? The only people who would care are conservatives who are hard up for column ideas and people on Daily Kos. For everyone else, this is a colossal waste of time. Hey, at least the Daily Kos now has something in common with most of the people who take Fox News seriously: they both hate Hilary.

This would be like me trying to leak to the general media that the college hockey community really hates small burying rodents and is generally hostile towards men in striped jersies who officiate hockey games. It's a total non-story.

Sadly, that's not the dumbest thing I've ever read in a Bill O'Reilly column. Earlier, Mr. O'Reilly decided that it was worth it to once again chastise the liberal media (do you sense a pattern here?) for not embracing the wholesome family goodness that is "High School Musical 2: Electric Boogaloo". Could the reason why the "liberal media" is not fawning over themselves be because everyone is sick to the gills with this tween media silliness? Especially parents of children from the ages of 6 to 11 who already had to mortgage the f***ing house to buy "Hannah Montana" tickets? Could that be it? Or is the liberal media just really really hateful towards poor Zak Effron? Either way, I do get the impression that if given the decision between watching the family unfriendly, expletive laden "Goodfellas" or "High School Musical Two: The Wrath of Khan", Bill O'Reilly is going to chose "Goodfellas" just like the rest of us.

I'll save you a seat Bill. Just make sure you bring the popcorn.